Empty Wagons Make a Lot of Noise

I have a question.  Who did the casting for this season of "America's Next Top Model"?  And what did Tyra do to piss them off?  I can't think of any other reason for their having gathered the butt-ugliest girls ever to grace reality television on a show that is supposed to be solely about looks.  Seriously, not one of these chicks looks even remotely like a model.  I realize that all models are not conventionally pretty, but this season's girls don't even have the quirky, weird look that works for high fashion.  Take the twins of last season, for example -- they were not pretty, but somehow their gawkiness, with the elbows and knees and cheekbones everywhere, worked. 

This season, it's like they grabbed a bunch of women off the street at random and then tried to give the show more of a "Real World" feel -- with unnecessary drama over telephone usage and showering times -- apparently because it is no longer a modeling show, inasmuch as the contestants could never be models.

Also, Jael?  Did someone bludgeon her repeatedly with a sledgehammer?  She has the distinct air of someone who has suffered blunt head trauma -- the slurry speech, the soft-focus eyes, the raggedy hair.  Jaslene does not appear to be the sharpest knife in the drawer, either.  And these names!  I thought Jael was pronounced like "ya-ell" (as in Yael, which is a fine name and not that uncommon); but no.  It is "Jay-ell."  Oy.  And Jaslene, the name?  I recently spent some quality time on this site, and I nearly horked up a lung I was laughing so hard.  Someone on there put forth a list of normal names that they had combined into new, hideous ones like Sophelia and Fairith (FAIRITH?) -- Jaslene sounds like that.  Jasmine + Arlene, or some such thing.

(To the Jaels/Jaslenes/Sophelias/Fairiths who may be reading, uhhh...your name rocks!  Just my opinion here!  So sorry.  Carry on.)

Bottom line:  Tyra?  Maybe you need to step away from your talk show (STEP AWAY from the talk show, girl) and spend a liiiiittle more time focusing on casting the models.  I'm just saying. 

Now.  On to more important things.  Like "American Idol."  I won't bother with the Sanjaya bashing, because you know all about it.  He sucks.  He sucks out loud.  And Metalia has figured out that he is the source of much evil in the world, so it's all been said as far as I'm concerned. 

No, what I'd like to point out, in case you missed it, that Phil bears an uncanny resemblance to...wait for it...

Yes.  Nosferatu. 

Check it out.  Tell me you don't see it.

The bald pate, the all-encompassing eyebrows, the undead pallor.  Although, to be fair, Nosferatu was probably a much better singer.

Actually, I have a suggestion.  They should take some of the hotties from "American Idol", the ones who should be made to sing naked because you'd rather gape at their nude forms than listen to them sing (I'm looking at you Hayley, Antonella and what's her face, that other skinny one with the voluptuous hair who couldn't sing a note and -- mercifully -- didn't make it to the top 12) and move them on over to the "Top Model" cast.  Replace the catatonic Jael and that wood sprite girl with the snaggly teeth and have a real modeling contest. 

In closing, I have a confession to make.  Last night, when Simon did his cocky, blindingly white smirk and said to Hayley, "You naughty little thing," I got a bit a-flutter.  Yes, there was fluttering.  I admit it:  I think Simon Cowell is smokin' hot.  Man boobs and all.  He just is, dammit.  He's probably even on my List of Five.  Ok, not probably.  Yes.  He is.  HE JUST IS.  Along with Ben and Noel.  And I'm having trouble narrowing down the last two.  Johnny Depp?  Brad Pitt (kind of a yawn, so obvious and all, but...still)?  George Clooney (ditto)?  Oooh, Jake Gyllenhaal, fo sho.  And possibly Adriana Lima.  I am not made of stone!

(And to think, the darling Leah, who I very much want to pack up in a suitcase and move here to New York so that we can skip around in the park wearing pigtails and then gab about books and ideas and boys for days, tagged me as a Thinking Blogger.  If you followed that link and expected some kind of hifalutin' discourse about Hobbes and Locke, well...maybe tomorrow?)

Comments

[blakspring]

Hey Ish - I've been reading your blog for a while now, not just b/c you're a great writer but also b/c we have so much in common that i feel like I'm reading my own thoughts sometimes. I told my husband that I have a twin - the bad '80 trends when we were kids, the trapeze flying, the hating-the-phone thing...I could go on. So I'm not even surprised that you wrote about Top Model - my guilty pleasure. While watching it with my husband tonight, I kept saying,"What is up with these girls - not only are they not pretty but they don't have a uniqueness either. Where did they find them?" Of course you said it more eloquently and, damn, I totally agree.

[jonniker]

I've SEEN THE NOSFERATU resemblance, but I also find him to be super creepy, like pedophiliac kind of creepy. CREE. PEE.

I thought I was alone until one of my Flickr contacts made the exact same parallel you did. I wonder if Phil is aware, and if his wife finds him at all attractive anymore? GROSS.

(Also, I don't watch ATM, because I'm terrified I'd become addicted. And, as you know, I kind of want to punch Tyra Banks most of the time.)

[jonniker]

ALSO: I FIND SIMON HOT TOO!

So hot. SO HOT. I kind of want to make out with him. A lot.

[Leah]

I'm trying to "be a better person" by not watching ANTM, but I just can't help myself. But this season--holy cow with the bitchiness! And the uglies! WTF?

Whenever Jael talks, I get stabby--me or her, one of us has to go.

[Hope]

I'm delurking because I have to totally agree on the ANTM girls. They just seem so skanky, and yes, most of them seem really stupid too. Why, oh why did they give that one girl (Brittany?) raggedy ann hair? She looks totally f-ing ridiculous! Whitney is the only true beauty on there, damn is she gorgeous.

And Simon? Reminds me of my dad, so maybe I should introduce you two... Hehe. But I LOVE him. I want to hug him.

[Laura B.]

I've been thinking he is Nosferatu-ish, too! Ugh, he is so creepy.

Also, I can see the attraction to Simon. He would never make my LIST, but, yeah, I can see it.

[metalia]

Help, I'm in love with Renee from ANTM. She is such a magnificent douchebag, I know, but my love lives on, for she is pretty.

I used to think Jael was consistently high, but I think you HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD (see what I did there?!) with the blunt-force head trauma call. Excellent work, my friend.