The Long and Whining Road -- And a Question

I've started this entry about fifteen times and haven't come up with the right words, so I'll just come out with it:  My brother is moving across the country.  Like, ALL the way across -- to Seattle -- and, frankly, I'm not too happy about it.

I mean, of course I'm happy for him and his family; it's the right choice for them, and on the whole it's all kinds of exciting.  My brother will have lots more time to spend with his wife and son than he did as the High-Powered New York Law Firm type -- plus they get to build their dream home in a gorgeous area surrounded by mountains and forest and trails and lakes, and they'll be in a safe community with loads of other young families, and my nephew will get to live the kick-the-can life we enjoyed as kids.  And of course, we can go out to visit and gawk at the wonder that is the Pacific Northwest; it'll give us an excuse to get to know a whole new area of the country.   

But...but...what about ME?  For ten years, I've been lucky enough to have my big brother within shouting distance, and even though we've become increasingly stretched for time with our busy lives and growing families, it's always comforting just knowing he's in the same geographic vicinity.  If things went terribly pear-shaped, he'd be a phone call away and could be at my side almost momentarily.  And even though he lives a ways outside the city, we've been able to get together for baby showers and holidays and mellow afternoons without a lot of fuss, and my parents can easily see both of us in one fell swoop of a visit.   

Sure, it's been years since the two of us went for margaritas at El Parador (for good reason; my system can't handle that much tequila -- or any tequila, really -- anymore) or caught a movie on a random weekday night; but there's still that certain calm that comes from having family around, and the gaping distance of an entire country between us is going to take some getting used to.

(Clearly, the only solution is for him to get a blog so I can have near-daily updates on exactly what he and his family are doing and just how unruly my adorable nephew's red curls have gotten.  Right, people?  Am I right?)  (Peer pressure will help, so back me up here.)  (Also, I should note with some relief that my sister-in-law and nephew aren't moving out there until later this fall, so I can cling to their legs and wail "DON'T LEAVE ME" for a while longer.) 

No, really.  It's great.  I'm fine!  (DON'T GO!) 

Anyway, so last Friday night we went to a going away party for them, and spent much of the time catching up with our friend L. (I know you're out there, L.!  {waving furiously})  L. has, bar none, the funniest damn dating stories I have ever heard.  I mean, you cannot make this stuff up.  (She needs a blog, too, in fact.)

For example, there's the guy who took her on a first date and refused to pay for her dinner (we're all enlightened modern women, sure, but I'm sorry:  the dude pays on the first date; THOSE ARE THE RULES) and then, when she (reluctantly) agreed to go on a second date, he took her out -- on a FRIDAY NIGHT, at DINNER TIME -- to an eatery that only serves {pause for effect} rice pudding.  For dinner!  On a Friday night!  This time he paid, but it was like five bucks, and she went home starving.

Then there's her friend, who is Orthodox and keeps kosher, whose date took her to a burger joint where she could not eat a single thing on the menu (because it was all meat!  and the restaurant was not kosher!), and he made her SIT THERE AND WATCH HIM EAT A BURGER AND FRIES.  And then, on the way home, he stopped in the park and forced her to watch him perform Shakespearean soliloquies. 

And then there's L.'s other friend, whose date did not reveal until AFTER they sat down in a quiet restaurant and he suddenly started howling and banging on the table that he had Tourette's syndrome.  Like, oops!  Forgot to mention this small detail that I might occasionally have a violent verbal and physical outburst!  Sorry about that.  Carry on.

And then there was the one-armed dentist. I'm not sure any more needs to be said about that.       

On the bright side, the nuttiness of the dating scene makes for great party chatter, and entertains me to no end.  So now it's your turn:  what's the worst date you've ever had?   

Comments

[JP]

The best probably has to be the one that never made it to a date, much to his drunken chagrin. I was visiting a friend in the lovely little town where she was attending grad school. This guy, with black lines of tartar between his teeth, approached me. His pick up line? You look exactly like my ex wife. But she had blonde hair. Yeah. I'm still regretting that that one didn't work out.

[Mauigirl]

So sorry your brother is moving across the country. You're right, he definitely should start a blog. It's only the right thing to do.

Probably the only really bad date I had was my first date. My mother and our piano tuner fixed us up - he was the piano tuner's son! And our date was to go bowling. And I beat him. I'd always been told you don't beat the guy at sports. (This was in the late 60's before I was women's libified, if that's a word, which it isn't). So I was mortified. We didn't really hit it off anyway but I always blamed my inability to lose at bowling.

[Dave]

I went out with this one girl in college for several months. She was an amazing cook, cute as a button, sweet as sugar.

One night, she wanted to watch a video. Can you guess which movie she chose?

"The Land Before Time."

Yeesh.

[-R-]

On my second date with H, we were on our way to play mini-golf (shut up, mini-golf is cool) his car died in the middle of probably the busiest street in our city. Eventually, after a LOT of honking, some young gentlemen took pity on us and helped us push the car onto a side street. But there was no parking on the side street, so we pushed the car into a driveway. H went to the front door and apologized and said a tow truck was on the way. The driveway's owner was sooo pissed. I was scared that she was going to start throwing rocks at the car or something. Finally, the tow truck arrived and towed us back to H's house, and I eventually made it back to my apartment somehow. But it worked out ok in our case, I guess, since we are married now.

[Jamie]

Oh, Lord. First off, it was my first and only blind date. Secondly, I was told he was taller than me. I am 5'3". He was 5'1". He got drunk because I obviously looked disappointed, and also because I was wearing 3" heels. Whoops.

That is all.

[pseudostoops]

My mother met this boy's mother at the gym and when they discovered we lived in the same (far away) city, they set us up and would not take no for an answer- despite the fact I was seeing my now-husband at the time. So I agree to meet this guy for coffee, and we get about two minutes into the "date" and he says "are you seeing someone?" and I said "yes, and I figured you might be, too- moms are so funny with their setups." And he said "no, I'm not seeing anyone, but I'm really relieved because you are really not my type and now I'm free to check out other girls at the coffee shop."

AWESOME.

[Boozie]

When I came back to my hometown after college, I gave in to Match.com (I know, I know) and "met" several interesting guys before I finally committed to a date with one of them. Lets say his name was Mike. So I made the date for a Sunday because I was going camping with a large group of friends for the weekend. Well, while on the camping trip, I fell in love with this guy who also happened to be named Mike. So I came home from the camping trip and had to go on the blind date with Match.com Mike. He was so strange (go figure) and I just wanted to go call the Camping Trip Mike, so I excused myself to go to the bathroom and came back and said that I thought it was time I headed home.

Later on, I was so sad that Camping Trip Mike hadn't called, so I sent him a text message and he instantly called back. "I called you about 2 hours ago and your mean roommate hung up on me. I said, 'This is Mike, can I talk to Boozie?' and he said, 'No, this is Mike!' and he hung up!"

So that jerk answered my cell phone while I was in the bathroom and then hung up on the caller! And never said anything about it!

[One Smart Cookie]

I was set up on a semi-blind date (I had apparently met him before but didn't remember him) by a friend in college. When I asked the guy where we should go on our date, he said he had it all taken care of and that I would love it, it would be fun, etc. Andddd... He took me to a frat party. Clearly he was not a keeper.

[Noelle]

-r- told me to come over here and comment, so here I am. I went on a date with a one-armed boy in high school. His father was an orthodontist, but he had really bad breath. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea about the date because I was thinking "just friends," so when we walked from the movie theater to the car I stayed on his right side so he wouldn't try to hold my hand. Is that evil?

[Laurel]

-R- sent me over, too. I can't resist sharing a dating disaster. In fact, I think I'll blog about this today!

However, to sum up. After a few dates and an intense crush with a new guy who made it his job to tell me how special and different he found me, how happy he was to have met me, etc, etc... he took me out, bought me an expensive meal, and then informed me that ACTUALLY he was still sort of seeing his ex girlfriend. And ACTUALLY, things weren't going that great.

So, he said, since I was so great, maybe I should fight for him and convince him not to get back together with the ex.

Hmm... I replied. Maybe you should get the check.

He was a very cute and nice guy. But, if you sit me down on date 4 and say, "If you date me, there will be drama" I would be a fool not to run in the opposite direction.

[lizgwiz]

Well, my favorite bad date story is the one where my purse got stolen by a friend of a friend who was sitting at our table, forcing me to steal it back, the thief tried to accuse ME of doing something wrong, and then later my date beat the crap out of him in the parking lot while I begged him to stop. That was fun.

In the "this will never be funny later" category, I was once at a guy's house, making out on the couch, when there was a knock on the door, and it was the highway patrol, there to tell him that his most recent ex-girlfriend and her daughter had just been run over by a train and killed. (I wish I was kidding.) He later confessed that he had been talking to her again, and thinking they might give it another try, and he was trying to figure out how to tell me (uh...NOT making out with me would have been a good start), and he felt so incredibly guilty about it all that he really never forgave himself. That was fun.

[Judith in NYC]

I can't choose between these two:

1) agreed to go out with these guy for coffee (I had not dated in a loooooong time and did not want to commit to a dinner), he picked me up and proceeded to drive me to a 7-11. I was too dumbstruck to say anything so I picked a bottle of water. He complained about the price.
I asked to be taken home. He was angry I did not have sex with him. All this in NYC--Staten Island, alright, but still NY!!!!

2) Another guy: we had seen each other for a while while reviewing for the NY bar, he invited me to his home in CT and said we could have dinner on the way up. We drove and drove, no dinner. Finally he drives up to a Red Lobster and asks me to run in and order take out!

I have not dated since.

[Beth]

Hmmmmm...which to choose, which to choose?
- There was the guy who insisted on reading "To Kill a Mockingbird" to me. The whole book. In one date. I mean, I love the book, but c'mon.
- There was the time I got taken to Hooters on a second date. Need it be said that I expressed no interest in going to such an establishment?
- There was the time I got taken to Wendy's, and was MADE TO PAY FOR MY OWN MEAL. We were 23, not 15.
- And of course, the time I got taken out by the guy who told me all about how he was conceived in a coffin.

I promise that all of these men looked normal.

[Hope]

I was sort of - very casually - seeing this guy, and his friend liked my roommate at the time, so we decided the four of us should all go out to dinner. The day we decided on just happened to be Valentine's Day (although I'm not one for making a big deal out of that day).

My roommate spends a lot of time primping for the "date," then my guy's friend brings another friend along and proceeds to ignore my roommate entirely. We were sitting at a table near the bar waiting for our table, and he sits at the bar with his friend. My roommate is totally confused about what she thought was going to be a date. My guy thinks we should probably just call it a night since no one's having fun.

So we leave before we even get dinner, and my roommate and I eat at KFC (and I think the guys ended up going to a strip club)!

[CraigNY]

Thank you for the very kind words. And please know that if anything ever goes pear shaped that I am still just a phone call and a direct flight away. Besides, you've followed my footsteps so much (law school -- though I implored you not to -- and New York City to name two) that I figure it's only a matter of time before you head to Nike or Amazon and are in the PacNW with us.

Worst date? Probably the one where I took my date to a French style restaurant and my date started speaking exclusively in French to the waitress who DID NOT SPEAK A WORK OF FRENCH and kept saying so imploringly. Did my date stop? No, she did not.

[CraigNY]

That's "WORD OF FRENCH", of course.

[Heather B.]

Oooh, there's a looooong list of bad dates. Shockingly enough and this might have something to do with why I don't date. I could list them out here or I could just leave you with baited breath to read them at my blog on Monday.

I know, it's going to be hard, but try to hold out.

Sorry about your brother moving. It actually makes me more appreciative of having my brother right down the street for the first time in six years.

Remember, Seattle is so pretty so when you visit, at least it will be to a gorgeous locale as opposed to Dayton, Ohio.

[CraigNY]

Another from me, although the actual date wasn't a disaster...just the aftermath:

I went out on a first date with a girl and had a pleasant but non-spectacular dinner. I was actually thinking I might call for a second date when, two days later, she called me. She claimed that she was at a service station in New Jersey, that her car had broken down, that she had no money and could I please give the service station guy my credit card number to pay for the car reapairs (one thousand dollars) and she would pay me back. When I refused, she began screaming at me and saying that she would never, ever sleep with me (but using the "f-bomb" instead). I did not view this as a loss.

[Lawyerish]

Y'all. These comments are KILLING ME. I have been reading them all day and just dying. You don't know how it has improved my mood.

[Leigh]

How do you come up with this stuff?

Here is my contribution:

-I agreed to go out with this guy, only to find out that he wanted to take me "noodling." (You folks from NYC will have to Google that one!)

-I was trying to "bust a move" on some ol' boy at a party and was totally oblivious to the fact that some ol' gal was trying to make a pass at me...until "the grope."

I am thinking I should preface these with, "I know I'm Country because..."

[Christine]

Oh, my comment will be long. But man, the dates I have had...

1. While I was a 1L with another law student from another school...he bought dinner, I bought dessert and then we headed out for drinks where he implored me to get one as he polished off his second. When the check came he took out only enough cash to pay for his (and not a tip) and I pulled out my card as I had no cash and he put his cash away, leaving me to pay for all the drinks. When I didn't return his call I received a call about how I was right not to like him because he is crazy, and his dad just tried to commit suicide...and yeesh.

2. Some guy who I had recently met and went to his house to watch a movie. There I was introduced to his chihuahua wearing pink shearling that he renamed "Heiress," his Paris Hilton coffee table book, and was then informed that Paris was the "Marilyn Monroe of our time." On the second and last date, he realized that I wasn't that interested in him and faked a call from his grandmother indicating that someone in his family had been in an accident and perhaps I should leave. (OH he made this up, after I made fun of a whiny teen song he had playing on the iPod, so he informed me that "Hey Ryan Cabrera (sp?) is my cousin!" Hilariously, I then saw the video for whiny teen song and lo, it was not Ryan Cabrera but some kid named Jesse.)

oh and
3. After talking to some guy for some time (a month?) we were IMing while I made outlines for upcoming finals. He says, "Hey did you know I was published in college after 9/11 for an article I wrote?" He forwards a copy and paste version in an email without the title. I google his name, nothing comes up. I google the first line of the article and find it isn't him at all (unless he moonlights as Philip Terzian of the Jewish World Review,) and when I call him out in the tone of, "Hey that's really endearing that you would claim that you wrote this to impress me, but let's just be friends," he called me a crazy stalker and not to ever speak to him again. Not too long ago I received an email from him and did NOT respond back.

[L.]

Yay, I made the blog! Great seeing you guys, I'm glad I could entertain you. BTW, I've thought about that one date and realized I got a detail wrong. He didn't take me to a rice pudding place for dinner on a Friday night at 8:00, he took me for gelato, which I actually think is worse. Rice pudding at least sounds like it has a little sustenance, but gelato is unmistakably dessert, not a meal.

[Beth]

Lemme think. One guy I went out with told me on our first/only date that I was perfect marriage material because he wanted to run for public office someday and I was so "normal."

Another guy cooked dinner for me, then showed me his baby teeth that he kept in a box with his baseball cards and other memorabilia, then tried to put handcuffs on me, and was deterred only by a knee to the crotch.

Another one didn't even make it to a date. We met online, then talked on the phone, whereupon he told me he collected comic books and lived with his parents. After I turned down a real-life date, he proceeded to have all his friends call me for the next week or more, telling me what a bitch I was and what they were going to do to me. That was the year I learned about call blocking. Oh, and they called from different numbers after that, pissed that I'd blocked their original numbers. Good times.

[Beth]

Oh man, I can't believe I forgot about the cop I dated (one date) who spent the ENTIRE EVENING detailing how, when he was a rent-a-cop, he perfected how to slide across the hood of his car, all General Lee-style. He practiced this move like it was a martial art or something. I declined a demonstration in the parking lot, and I think that may be why he never called. I did not cry about it.

[metalia]

Oh, worst date? That's easy. Right here, baby:
http://metalia.blogspot.com/2007/08/finally-post-that-covers-both-sleeping.html