Lumps and All

Last week, the hilarious and generally awesome Emily posted about this...Thing that she has, a Thing that she has not identified to the general public (or her husband) but that involves some kind of "routine maintenance", as she calls it.  Generally speaking, a Thing is basically a physical anomaly, shall we say -- an imperfection, a quirk, an indiscretion of the body, if you will. 

(And by the way, you must click on the link in her post to the story about her honeymoon, because I almost horked up a lung laughing when I read it.  That is some funny stuff right there.) 

Anyway, like many of Emily's commenters, I read the entry about the Thing, and I began to wonder, do I have a Thing?  Should I have a Thing?  What if I have a Thing and everyone has been talking about it behind my back my whole life, wondering why in the world I don't take care of that horrible, painfully obvious Thing??

And then I realized that I *do* have Things -- not just one, either, but several.  Many, even.  In fact, they are Things I can't hide very well or attend to on a regular basis.  There is no real maintenance to be done to mask or minimize or tame them.  They're just there. 

For example, I have these, um, lumps in my lower legs.  There are maybe four of them on one leg and three on the other and they're mostly on the front and side of my lower shins.  They seem to become more visible when I'm exercising, or even just walking around a lot in warm weather, which also happens to coincide with the time that my legs are most exposed (thanks, body!). 

They look like small tumors or cysts, some about the size of a kumquat, some more like a blueberry.  I asked my doctor about them once and she said they were harmless fatty deposits.  I could have them surgically removed, but then instead of lumpy lower legs, I would have lower legs covered in scars.  Oh, and they could come back.  So I'm going to be a lumpy-legged woman for the rest of my life.

As long as we're in the vicinity, let's talk about my feet.  They stink.  Seriously, I have some pathologically stanky feet.  It's terrible in the summer, because I wear shoes without socks, and when I take them off at the end of the day, holy WOW, is that some odiferous nastiness.  I've tried lotions and powders and insoles and so forth, but they don't eradicate the stench.  I will say that I recently started putting a little baking soda in my shoes in the morning, and it seems to help more than anything else I've tried.  There may be hope, yet.  But on the whole, I try very hard not to take off my shoes in polite company.

My ankles and feet also swell to elephantine proportions by the end of every day.  When I'm wearing a skirt and heels, there they are for all the world to see, giant hamhock ankles and red, raw-looking feet at the end of my blindingly white legs. 

Then there are my eyes, which are a nice color (green), but (1) they are (or one of them is, I guess) slightly crossed sometimes.  I had to wear a patch when I was little to try to strengthen the lazy one, and it's not horrible now but I am very, very self-conscious about it and I always wonder if whomever I'm talking to is going, "Where's her eye going?  It's drifting!  She's got the wandering eye!  It's hideous!" 

People who know me well swear up and down that they've never noticed it or would never have noticed it until I pointed it out, but I do not believe them.  A few years ago I almost got it surgically corrected, until the date of the procedure grew nigh and the realization sunk in that they were going to CUT INTO MY FACE and FIDDLE AROUND WITH MY EYEBALL MUSCLES, and I chickened out and decided I could live with it.  (Oh, and like the leg lumps, even with an operation the problem could return and more surgery would be required -- fantastic!)

And (2) they become red and bloodshot at the slightest provocation or with even a hint of fatigue, so by the end of the work day, after hours of looking at a computer screen, I look like I've just finished crying my eyes out over my lost pony.

What else?  Oh, I am lactose intolerant, and as I realized the other day, the recent addition to my diet of a nightly bowl of ice cream (Edy's Loaded Cookies and Cream -- GO BUY SOME, it is delicious, although the Butterfinger one is even better, to the point that we can't have it in the house because we could blow through a carton in ten minutes) had resulted in my belly swelling to the size of that woman whose picture made the rounds on the Internet a while back, the one who was pregnant with like fifteen babies. 

I also bite my fingernails, which isn't a bodily quirk, exactly; but I cannot stop, and it is horrible and makes my hands look quite unladylike.  And as I've mentioned a bunch of times, I have a very weird, sort of boxy body shape; on a size chart, my chestal area is one size, my waist is one size up from that, and my hips are one size below the chest and therefore two sizes below the waist size.  My butt looks square and mannish in low-rider jeans, and in almost any pants, even those that are perfectly cut, I have a slight muffin top.

There you have it.  My Things.  Let no one ever complain that I try to paint myself or my life in a hazy glow of glamour!  (Although I think I neatly dispelled any chance of that with my Ugly Chronicles, depicting the longest and most severe Awkward Stage in history.  See also, this.) 

ALSO, by the way, I'm totally not trying to garner sympathy here, so there's no need to be all life-affirming about it -- these are my Things and I'm embracing them and accepting them.  Nobody's perfect, and in the end none of it affects my life all that much, at least not anymore.  I wouldn't say I'm letting myself go or anything, but I feel secure in who I am, and I have a husband who (1) isn't perfect, either (and I love him to distraction), and (2) loves me without the slightest reservation or hesitation, flaws and all, and tells me all the time how beautiful I am (even when I am totally not). 

Please (please??) feel free to share your Things in the comments.  Don't leave me out here alone with my garish imperfections!  Confess all.  This is your safe space.  (Including you, Emily!  Your husband will never think to look here!)

Comments

[Heather B.]

I'm hairy. I have chin hairs that need to be dealt with frequently and my eyebrows look like mating caterpillars.

[jjm]

Things. Eeeep!! I have a few.

I have a few, but one of the most hideous, to me and likely me only, is the fact that my scar is crooked. Wildly so. Not so big a deal except that said scar is from repeated open heart surgeries and is located exactly where you might imagine. It runs from about two inches below my neck to about three inches above my belly button (yes, I have a squatty torso, that's a thing all in itself). Anyway, right above my breasts it takes a drastic turn to the left and instead of being lined up with the center of my face it is more in line with my ear.

Silly to obsess over, I know.

Also, you may remember the epic battle of the wart. The effing thing still IS NOT DEAD!! It requires constant maintenance and makes me cringe to type about it.

No clue what I'm talking about? http://tinyurl.com/46d3sq

[Mandee]

I fell in Chicago on New Years several years ago and knocked most of my front teeth out. My dentist did a great job of rebuilding everything, but one tooth hung in there all on its own. Ends up, we should have done a root canal on it as well since it is now a little gray. I bleach it, but it's still gray. Embarrassing.

[-R-]

I have fat ankles. No matter how skinny the rest of me gets, my ankles stay fat. I'm not about to get liposuction on my ankles or anything though, so there really isn't anything I can do about it.

[Allison]

Well, let's see...I have many. I have this mole on my face that has a hair growing out of it. Must pluck.

I shave my toes.

I am very self-conscious about my legs. They are very fat. Even when I could run 3 miles at a time without stopping, they were still fat and essentially, the same size from my thighs to my ankles. I am also rather self-conscious about my ass, which is, well, large. It makes it extremely difficult to buy clothes. My lower body was MADE for mom jeans.

[3carnations]

I've got very "thick" lower legs. Sure there's some fat on there, but at least an equal amount of muscle. When I wear crew socks and shorts I look like I have little sausages for legs.

Also...the stinky feet thing when I wear sandals.

[Heather M.]

Oh, I have more than a few things I don't like, but here are the main ones: I have red hair...thus, I have white eyelashes & Very light eyebrows. Without make-up, I look like I'm about 12. I cannot tan! I've always hated this...all my friends would lay out at the pool; I would try & fry! I've spent countless $$$s on self-tanners & none seem to look "natural".Oh, and with age have come the lovely varicose veins on the backs of my calves...my kids think they're cool because one really is shaped like a purple spider web! ACK! OK, there's my main complaints...Heather M.

[Heather M.]

Oh, I have more than a few things I don't like, but here are the main ones: I have red hair...thus, I have white eyelashes & Very light eyebrows. Without make-up, I look like I'm about 12. I cannot tan! I've always hated this...all my friends would lay out at the pool; I would try & fry! I've spent countless $$$s on self-tanners & none seem to look "natural".Oh, and with age have come the lovely varicose veins on the backs of my calves...my kids think they're cool because one really is shaped like a purple spider web! ACK! OK, there's my main complaints...Heather M.

[Shelly]

I have lots of 'Things'.

I sweat alot. In places that one wouldn't LIKE to sweat.....

I have thin head hair, yet lots of body hair....ewwww. Read my blog for the latest installment of my hair removal issues.

My ankles also swell HUGELY.

I have lots of moles

My feet also smell, especially sans socks.

I have very small square-ish feet, making shoe fitting impossible.

[Jamie]

This is all just a clever ploy to get Emily to disclose her "thing," isn't it?

BRILLIANT!

As for me, I have chin hair and cellulite issues - (thanks, maternal lineage!). I have a couple skin tags (one of which is on my underarm, which is completely annoying) that are less than attractive. Oh, and add my massive bunions to that list, and that's pretty much it.

[Lawyerish]

I am LOVING this. I love you all with your Things. And doesn't it make you realize that (a) we ALL have Things, so we are not alone in our flawed-ness, and (b) we notice our own Things WAY more than anyone else's, because I am sure most people in our lives do not have a clue what our Things are, even if they're right there for all to see. Because of course the other person is sitting there wondering if we're noticing THEIR Things.

Also, I have bunions, too, and for a while in college I had a skin tag IN MY NOSTRIL that looked like I always had a booger hanging out.

[Jen]

Snicker snicker.....things! I, too, am hairy, requiring brow, lip, and chin waxing with ridiculous regularity. I've started just doing lip and chin at home, because it is almost once a week for that thing.

In the "God has a sense of humor" category, I'm currently undergoing chemo (I'm going to be fine...just have to get through this summer) and am FREAKING BALD and still have to wax my lip and chin.

[nonsoccermom]

HA, this is great! Love the post and the comments.

Let's see, my Things...I have nose hair that must be dealt with at least weekly. EW. When in high school I was informed (by a relative, no less) that I have fat ankles. This is something that I have been obsessed with ever since. But, like -R- said, not much to be done about those. Also, I have...um..."food tolerance issues" that cause me to be bloated practically all the time. This is especially awesome right now, as I am 4 months postpartum and have a poochy belly anyway.

[Julie]

I have the ankle and bunion thing too. At the end of the day--not so pretty.

My eyebrow plucking and leg shaving schedules are flip flopped from the rest of the world. I need to shave my legs every...10 days? Seriously. But if I let my eyebrows go that long, they would merge with my bangs and take over my face. (Bangs that I have to have because of the furrowed brow gene.)

I love embracing our Things. It's good for the soul.

[Leah]

Nailbiter here, reporting for duty! (Sometimes I even want to bite other people's nails, that's how bad it is.)

Also, I hold my writing utensils in such a way that I have the most hideous callus on my middle finger. Basically, I should wear mittens all the time to spare others the horror of my hands.

[-R-]

Nonsoccermom, ME TOO! It was my own mother who pointed out my fat ankles to me!

[Julie]

It's so good to know I'm not the only one with fat ankles. They run on both sides of my family. So my sisters and I were doomed at birth.

I also have really sensitive skin. There isn't a makeup that doesn't destroy my skin. So during the winter months I just have splotchy skin. But at least I do tan in the summer

[Nancy]

Ha! I started thinking, do I have a Thing? I must, right? And then started checking down the list and realized I have a billion Things.

1. I have the world's ugliest feet, with a longer second toe and bunions. They also stink to high heaven after a day of no socks. Their final betrayal is that despite looking like hulking caveman specimens, they nevertheless react hysterically to the whisper of a new piece of leather on a strappy shoe, as if they were the most dainty, lilly white and untouched appendages a gal could have.

2. Weirdly hairy legs. I've lasered myself to the point that I've almost forgotten the angry-looking dark follicles (visible even after shaving). Almost.

3. I am always constipated. Always. Particularly on trips. Or in strange bathrooms. Or in bathrooms where someone I know might ever visit.

4. When I work out, I sweat (a lot) and smell (terribly). My husband often wonders how someone so sweet looking can smell so atrocious and I just tell him that I get my toxins out.

5. I've listed too many already. But there are more. Hee. This reminds me of that awesome poem by Jonathan Swift, A Lady's Dressing Room, where the hero discovers that his lady love is not as . . . unblemished a delicate creature as he first believed. It containsone of my all-time favorite lines, when he finds her chamber pot and cries out the unthinkable, "Celia, Celia, Celia, shits!"

[Lily]

Oh man, how much time do you have?
1. I have a nail fungus infection on my left foot which results in brittle, ugly old woman nails.

2. I have cankles no matter how thin I am.

3. The only place that sweats during a workout is my vagina.

4. I have horrible teeth which sometimes results in really stank breath.

5. Well this is going to be entirely too personal but...I also pluck a few crazy hairs from my nipples.

[ie]

Well, alrighty then, let me jump right in.

I have my mother's feet. You know, I never ever ever had to deal with swelling feet/ankles until about 5 years ago and since then, hoo boy, this girl is not a happy camper!

I have more but it's a relief to get that out.

[jonniker]

Lily, I HAVE OLD WOMAN TOENAILS TOO. Brittle. Fungus. Not good.

Also, I have the occasional crazy nipple hair thing.

Lily and I, it seems, are the same PERSON.

[Allison]

OMG, I was totally going to keep the plucking of nipple hairs to myself but now, I feel like I'm in a safe place and can admit it!

[Michelle]

My big toe is REALLY big and the rest of my toes are about 1/4 of the size of my REALLY big toe.

So when I wear flip flops I always think people are looking at my toes.

This wouldn't be a big deal, but I live in Austin and flip flops are worn all year long, even to work.

I also have the nipple hair thing going on.

[Lawyerish]

I have the gross brittle, flaky toenail thing, ALSO. OMG.

AND fair/sensitive skin, AND light eyebrows/eyelashes, AND tummy issues when I travel.

For every comment, I swear I realize I have YET ANOTHER Thing.

Doesn't everyone feel BETTER, though? I am so glad we are sharing all of our imperfections.

[This Girl Remembers]

Oh, so much candor that I am compelled to do my part... I have a Thing, too. Actually, I have several, but the most distressing one is that there is one mole on my face, about an inch in front of my earlobe where I can just barely see it when I look in the mirror, which GROWS A BIG NASTY BLACK CURLY HAIR. It is almost impossible for me to see from my front-on vantage point, but feels so so so obvious to anyone else. I discovered that sucker for the first time less than a year ago and have been in agony ever since wondering if it had been there MY WHOLE LIFE without my knowing it. OHMYGOD. Thing is, I sometimes forget about it and then all of a sudden notice that it is BACK and has gotten long and nasty again while I was busy not seeing it and ohmygod just last night I sat my guy down for A Talk wherein I broke the code of silence and notified him that if he EVER sees the Thing on my face it is becuase I don't know it is there and he is therefore obligated to tell me about it, post-haste, with discretion and the understanding that as soon as it is disclosed he must go back to pretending it doesn't exist, so that I can then RUN to the bathroom and pluck the offending Thing right out.