Lawyerish: Everybody's Doin' It

Ok, my brain is goo and this thing is sweeping the Internet, so I cannot resist. Since the theme is marriage, I would like to discuss something on that topic.

On "The Bachelor" (I KNOW), Jason dumped Jillian (a cool and smart woman by all appearances, despite her participation in this gaudy trainwreck of a show) in part because he declared her "the ultimate friend." She argued that you should want to marry your best friend, and that when you're 90, you want to look at your spouse and know you've spent your life with your best friend.

Jason, meanwhile, told her there "has to be more." And then he went and stuck his tongue down the throat of a younger, perkier, former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. While of course no one will argue that you should marry someone with whom you have a friendship but no romantic attraction, I have the distinct sense that Jason is banking almost entirely on passion/spark and tossing best friendship out the window.

That, to me, is really misguided. Because, dude, the spark does not last forever. The spark is not going to get you to your 50th anniversary. Her boobs are not going to look like that forever. And if you aren't each others' best friends, what are you going to have as your foundation when you're older and saggier and less energetic? Of COURSE you should be attracted to your spouse, and of COURSE you should keep romance alive throughout your life together. BUT if you're picking a mate solely on a passion/spark basis, I think you're setting yourself up to fail. Am I alone here? Talk amongst yourselves!

What are your middle names?
Lee and Eric.

How long have you been together?
We started, erm, unofficially dating in late 2001, and officially dating a few months later. Things were somewhat complicated, as I was -- ahem -- living with someone else at the time.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
We had met during my first summer in law school, but didn't really get to know each other then. When I was a new associate, he came back to our workplace after working somewhere else, and his office was near mine. We started hanging around a lot at work (we were both putting in some long hours) and then it sort of evolved from there.

Who asked whom out?
It didn't exactly happen that way. We had become good friends, and then after 9/11, he started accompanying me home on the subway (I was scared to go alone -- and by the way, it was TWO trains out of his way, which is kind of a big deal) and then maybe in November or thereabouts, we went to Pizzeria Uno after working late on a Sunday (I believe that was my suggestion) and maybe a month or so after that we went out for post-work drinks at Temple Bar and in the cab afterward, we smooched. Drama ensued, but once the drama was over, all was well.

How old are each of you?
He is 40, I'm 33.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Mine, even though he now lives thousands of miles away.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
I don't know. I think we handle everything pretty well. The adoption has been almost unbearable, but it hasn't challenged our relationship, just us as individuals, you know? We don't take it out on each other. And as much as I hate to trot out this cliche, it has made us stronger.

Did you go to the same school?
Nope. He was in college when I was in 7th grade, which I love to point out whenever possible.

Are you from the same home town?
Not even close. He's from a suburb on Long Island and I'm from a quaint little Southern town.

Who is smarter?
That's a subject of endless debate! I think we're probably about the same IQ-wise, but if pressed I would say that I am quicker/more superficially smart (like crossword puzzle/game show kind of smart, which is pretty useless) but he works a million times harder than I do, and he is wayyyyyyyy smarter in terms of complex reasoning and deep understanding of stuff (especially legal stuff). I tend to dismiss things or get frustrated if I can't understand something right away, whereas he'll put in the time and effort to wrap his head around it.

Who is the most sensitive?
Well, we're both sensitive, I think, but not like sappy sentimental fools or anything. I think we're equally attuned to each others' moods and feelings.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Gramercy Tavern, probably; it's our go-to special occasion place. Ordering in, we mostly call up the Saigon Grill.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Vietnam.

Who has the craziest exes?
Neither of us. Our exes are pretty much non-entities in our life.

Who has the worst temper?
That would be him. Although he gets angry REALLY FAST and REALLY INTENSELY but then gets over it in about ten seconds, whereas I am slow to burn but I stay mad longer. I also tend to bottle up anger and then do the ice queen routine where I expect him to figure out what's wrong by ESP or something. Which is super-mature. I am working on it.

Who does the cooking?
That is my designated household role. Sometimes I get martyrous about it, but I really don't mind too much. The Rachael Ray Big Orange Book is my friend, let me tell you.

Who is the neat-freak?
Both of us. Joe is big on using the hand-vac. He also cleans up after dinner every night. I think I would find it VERY trying to be married to someone slovenly.

Who is more stubborn?
Oh, man. We are BOTH stubborn as mules. Again, in slightly different ways, but we can be so hard-headed. One of my most charming qualities is that, when someone tells me to do something, I immediately want to do the exact opposite. I thrive on spite. So that's fun for everyone.

Who hogs the bed?
Neither of us; we pretty much stay huddled on our sides of our barge-sized king bed. I do miss cuddly-sleeping, but I have the dog curled up next to me so that's something.

Who wakes up earlier?
Joe, sometimes by HOURS. And I get up at 6:30 during the week, 8 on the weekends; it's not like I'm in bed til noon.

Where was your first date?
As mentioned above, our first out of the office interaction, though it wasn't really a date, was at Pizzeria Uno. So romantic. Our first datey-date, I would say, was to see a show and then for dinner at Gramercy (hence it being Our Place).

Who is more jealous?
Neither of us. What would be the POINT of being jealous? We're married; we took vows, and we intend to live by them.

How long did it take to get serious?
Not that long, especially considering the circumstances. We got engaged in August 2002. He wanted to lock it up, man!

Who eats more?
He does, but, uh, not by all that much. Eeek! He also eats about 50 times faster than I do, which is scary because I eat pretty quickly. AND he eats healthier than I do. I feel like one day that's going to catch up to me...

Who does the laundry?
Our cleaners.

Who's better with the computer?
I AM! He does not have the patience. Although I am not saint-like in my patience either (see: hysterically crying while on hold with RoadRunner tech support).

Who drives when you are together?
I do. I LOVE to drive.

Comments

I thrive on spite. HA! OMG, that's good.

Posted by: Dianna | February 24, 2009 at 10:54 PM

Aw, I like you guys. Also, I love temple bar and saigon grill - so there's that.

Posted by: Mar | February 25, 2009 at 08:57 AM

yay for random stuff! although i am MUCH better with my jealousy issues, i admire people who have none whatsoever.
i have been trying to add you to my feed reader for months. does it not work because your site is (usually) password protected?

Posted by: beyond | February 25, 2009 at 09:31 AM

You are such a good couple -- so balanced. You're very lucky

Posted by: kathy | February 25, 2009 at 09:47 AM

I love that your cleaners does your laundry... I would love to be able to send out all of my laundry! :) Oh, and how sweet that your "friendship" developed when he was being your protector. That's a sign of a wonderful man - when he's willing to put the easing of your fears above his own needs/time. What a sweet guy you have!

Also, keep the Bachelor updates coming; Armed Forces Network (AFN) didn't pick it up this season - probably because my two friends and I who had Bachelor watch nights were the only three people who watched it in the whole of the Pacific bases. And ABC doesn't let you watch online when you have an overseas ISP address. :(

Posted by: Tara | February 25, 2009 at 05:01 PM

You know, I have become less impressed with Jason as the season has gone on. After 34 years of marriage, I agree with you about the best friend thing. There are days when I'm "in love" more than others, but he is ALWAYS my best friend!! You and Joe seem very well suited to each other, and that is important!!

Posted by: Roz | February 25, 2009 at 05:34 PM

If Jason picks Molly the Boring One over Melissa the Adorable One, I think I might break the television with my screams. And what's with this "so emotional there's no one else in the studio" promo Chris does at the end? What?

Posted by: Marin | February 25, 2009 at 10:07 PM