Hall of Shame

First things first, let's get the hair photo out of the way. 

There are so many things wrong with this photo that I can hardly bear to post it, but after about 80 attempts to get a better shot, I gave up -- chiefly, I should have switched lenses; but that would have required walking across the room and engaging in a simple, 30-second procedure, so obviously too much to ask. 

So, here is a terrible, blurry photo that features my hands appearing to be the size of catcher's mitts (I swear, I do not really have man-hands, but I don't blame you for not believing me based on this glaring evidence to the contrary), my face looking ghoulish from my unfortunate choice of angle for the flash (which calls to mind the lighting on So You Think You Can Dance this season, which manages to make even Cat Deeley look hair-raisingly awful), my nose eclipsing virtually everything in the frame and my lips disappearing altogether (even more than usual). 

Of course, along with all these flaws, you can only really see half of the hair, and I have not been able to get it as curly as when I left the salon, so now it seems like I totally oversold the curliness; but you'll get the general idea. 

(My God, woman, just POST the damn thing already.)

(Ugh.)

So this weekend, I had this overwhelming urge to make Christmas cookies, and I had a grand plan of putting together gift tins of my delicious creations and delivering them to friends, perhaps even mailing some around the country to select recipients. 

By the time I had finished making two out of the four chosen varieties of cookies, I had run out of steam and realized that I had maybe enough to give each friend, like, TWO COOKIES, which is not so much a lively holiday surprise as an afterthought, possibly even an insult.  So I finished making a third batch of cookies and gave up (the chai gingerbread bars will have to wait til another time).  Of course, since we're just two people up in here, this means we now have baked goods out the yin-yang, but that's what the pantry at work is for -- to dump some of your excess calories on your coworkers.  (To be clear, we're keeping plenty for ourselves, but by the time we could make it through this many cookies on our own, the baby would be here.  Also, they would be rather stale.)

Part of the problem, too, was that the cookies I intended to be the centerpiece of this extravaganza did not turn out exactly as they should have.  They're my Grammie C.'s Green Cookies, which are basically sugar cookies with a touch of almond flavoring and a dot of green food coloring (festive!).  They're light and buttery and delicious, and I imagined that everyone who tried one would be clamoring for the recipe. 

Sadly, though, my batch was sub-par; they sort of spread out and flattened during the baking process and while they still taste really good, they lack the oomph and fluffy flakiness that they should have.  This could be because our oven is terribly screwed up; the door STILL does not close, so you have to wedge a kitchen chair under the handle to keep it shut, and this seems to have some deleterious effect on the cooking temperatures -- our food either cooks in record time or takes about eight times as long as is called for by a given recipe.  It's somewhat inconvenient (did I mention I cooked Thanksgiving dinner in this abomination of an oven?  Yeah.  And by the way, it has now been repaired twice and will be once again later this week). 

Anyway, here are the stupid, flat cookies (brought to you by a design flaw in a high-end range!), and the recipe for same in case you're so enticed by my description that you just can't wait to try them yourself -- of course, I recommend that you do, assuming you have a working oven; they truly are great cookies.  Maybe at some point I'll try again and show you what they're SUPPOSED to look like, but until then feel free to give it a go and let me know how they turn out:

Grammie's Green Cookies

1 lb. butter
1 1/2 c. sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 1/2 tsp almond extract
4 c. sifted flour
few drops green food coloring
green sugar/sprinkles

Cream together butter and sugar until light and fluffy.  (I did this by hand because our mixer tends to spray things on every surface in the kitchen; I had to stop and rest a few times as my arm was about to fall off).

Add vanilla and almond extract.  Add flour a cup at a time and stir to combine.  My grandmother's recipe says to add the fourth cup of flour slowly or not at all, depending on the consistency of the dough; but this mystified me (what SHOULD the consistency be?  is there some kind of Standard Cookie Knowledge that I am missing here?) and I ended up not putting in all the flour in a mild panic, since the implication of her note is that too much flour will RUIN YOUR LIFE, but I think this may have contributed to the cookies' failings.  So unless your dough looks like it's becoming bone-dry from all the flour, I'm guessing you should use it all.

The food coloring is obviously optional, and it's up to you whether you want a mild seafoam hue (maybe 3 drops of coloring, which is what I used) or a vivid kelly green cookie (uh, more than that). 

Drop dough by the teaspoonful onto cookie sheets.  Dip a fork in cold water and use to flatten dough in criss-cross pattern.  Sprinkle on green sugar.

Bake at 325 for 12-15 minutes.  Cookies are done when they turn light brown at the edges.

________________________________

To close, here is this year's installation of Dog in a Santa Hat!  This poor dog just does not get a break around here. 

There's more on Flickr, including a few bonus shots of Dog in a Sweater! 

(Boy, do we need this baby).

Comments

[terri]

I love your hair! Looks like your cookies did what my second batch did...got flat, but mine was from not using real butter. I think we should try again in Seattle...Santa will need some green cookies!

[Swistle]

Your hair looks great!

I had a batch of cookies do that recently: they flattened so much, they touched and turned into squares. What the?

Henry saw the pictures of the cute doggie and said, "Look, it's Puppy Christmas!" He said it like that was a well-known character: Father Christmas and his dog Puppy Christmas or whatevs.

[Marie Green]

I think I *will* try that recipe, but don't expect to hear good results from me. My oven sucks too!

Also, the industrial-strength strap on the Santa hat has me quietly chuckling to myself. As if dogs everywhere! Struggle to be free! Of the hat!

[nonsoccermom]

Love the hair! I wish mine was curly enough to do that. In the back it is extremely curly, around my face, straight as a board. Stupid hair.

Hee, I cannot stop smiling at the pictures of your dog. He is so cute!

[Lawmommy]

What kind of product are you using in your hair? I have similar wavy/curly hair and I'm always looking for the perfect product to make it both curly and shiny...

I bet the oven temp, coupled with the fact that it is almost impossible to really cream butter and sugar by hand, created the flat cookies. I suspect they were still tasty! I am going to try the recipe because it sounds awesome.

[Dianna]

HA! On several levels, Ha! But mostly, because I was literally thinking, For God's Sake Woman... post the damn photo!

But also because, thank goodness, tomorrow is Monday and we can email continuously tomorrow.

I like the hair, btw :)

[RockyCat]

That is the cutest dog ever. Ever!

[Amy K]

If you ever learn the secret to making your wavy-almost-curly hair look as neat and ringleted (is that even a word?) as it does when you leave the salon, please post it for me! So far, my best results have come from combing it right after showering, rubbing in a tiny bit of Aveda Be Curly, scrunching and then leaving it alone to air dry or using a diffuser if I'm in a hurry. Some days it looks great, other days it looks like crap, and all I can figure is that humidity really affects the finished product. I could use any and all styling tips!

[Lawyerish]

Lawmommy and AmyK,

I have been using Aveda Be Curly and scrunching my hair while it's wet, and that's it. Obviously with somewhat mixed results.

At the salon, the guy sprayed my hair with Phyto Curl while it was wet, and then after he diffused it he used something creamier (similar to Be Curly) that softened the curl a little. It was pretty shiny and VERY curly, but I didn't like the smell and feel of all that STUFF in my hair.

Sometimes I use a wide-toothed comb while my hair is still wet if there are any snarls, but I find that when I use it, it ends up looking frizzier when it dries than when I just use my hands.

Oh, HAIR. Why so complicated and difficult?

[Ris]

I think your hair looks great!

[Leah]

So glad to hear it's the lighting making Cat look like that. Our suspicions were more along the Whole Lotta Coke line.

[H]

I love Miles with the dusting of white fur on his face and his gorgeous big brown eyes. I just want to give him a big Christmas hug!

[Danielle-Lee]

Omg omg omg, Miles is getting so white! He looks so distinguished with it too. :) Cutie patootie.