Sleepless

I've started to become a bit concerned about the whole sleep deprivation element of having a newborn. 

I don't do at all well with not sleeping.  I am a solid eight-hours-a-night girl, and on weekends and vacations I can easily put in nine or more hours at a stretch.  I have also been known to add naps into the mix with some level of frequency. 

When I don't get enough sleep, things start to break down in a hurry.  I become grouchy, clumsy and prone to emotional meltdowns.  My temper flares at the slightest provocation and the simplest of tasks seem to swell to unmanageable proportions.  My blood sugar goes haywire (which also causes unpretty behavior, eesh).  Catastrophic thinking sets in, such that I become convinced that not only will I never sleep again, but that everything is woe and misery and every force in the universe is against me and WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW from the sheer weight of my crushing fatigue.

When I disembark an overnight transatlantic flight, for example, and the tinny light of the early morning hits my gritty, clouded eyes after I've been crunched in an unforgiving airline seat for seven hours and haven't gotten more than maybe ten minutes of head-bobbing, drooling sleep, I'm able to cruise on the adrenaline of exploration (a new country! how thrilling!) and necessity (must.find.hotel.) for a while, and then can eke out about a half-day of moderately strenuous sight-seeing, so long as I eat something every couple of hours.  But around three in the afternoon, things start to unravel, and suddenly the inability to pinpoint our location on a map or the appearance of a long line to get into a museum becomes an insurmountable problem of global significance, and if I don't find my way to a bed in very short order, there is likely to be an international incident.

I'm extrapolating what it will be like to do that -- or some semblance of that -- EVERY SINGLE DAY, and...yikes.

I'm also imagining that the added cocktail of hormones, body weirdness, pain in unmentionable places and the general bewilderment that accompanies probably the biggest life change a human can experience is going to create, shall we say, less than ideal conditions in which for me to operate on fewer than my required hours of sleep. 

Yes, there will also be the adrenaline rush of the newness of it and the heart-stopping moments of parental love and all of that, but I'm not sure that I will be able to magically overcome 34 years of sleep-dependence and morph into one of those people who perks right out of bed after sleeping from 1 to 4am and tackles the day with aplomb.  I'm picturing day after day of me standing in the kitchen weeping uncontrollably because I spilled some Cheerios on the counter or stomping around barking at everyone because I can't find the extra wipes, oh my GOD, WHERE ARE THEY and why can't I ever FIND ANYTHING and this apartment SUCKS with its crappy EVERYTHING and why are we even IN this stupid CITY with all the ASS-PEOPLE who live here and why must they HONK ALL THE TIME on our street, don't they know we have a BABY IN HERE?

Not to mention that, having forsaken caffeine for just shy of a year, plunging back into coffee or Diet Coke usage make not be the smoothest transition, either -- I imagine I'll end up sitting blank-eyed on the couch, quietly twitching from the onslaught of stimulant into my system, or I'll be all the more volatile and even more minor things will set me off than would have with the fatigue alone (God help us all).

I suppose with these things you just do the best you can and you muddle through it -- gracefully or not -- and you lean on each other and step in when the other person has Had It (note: this is ALWAYS going to be me, since Joe can function on far less sleep than I can) and one day, if you're lucky, your baby starts sleeping through the night, or at least waking up less often and at longer intervals.  And yes, of course, it's all worth it and it's temporary and survivable and all that, but I'm still a bit preoccupied with what it's really going to be LIKE and what I'll be able to DO to survive without completely flying to pieces. 

(I know, I know:  sleep when the baby sleeps! Haaaa, well.  I have been around the block enough to know that THAT doesn't work for everyone, and anyway I figure there will be an awful lot to DO when the baby is sleeping, such as showering, eating, exercising, cleaning the disaster that will likely be our apartment, tending to the animals, letting family and friends know we're still alive, and of course catching up on blog-reading (what?) -- and knowing me, I won't be able to turn off the mental urge to do all those things even if all I want to do is lay down and slip into a coma.  So, yeah, it's a nice idea, but I know I'll also want to Get Shit Done and not have my life fall into shambles around me).

Of course, right now -- when everyone and their mother feels compelled to remind us, with an almost sadistic, knowlng chuckle, to get our sleep while we still can! because there will be none of that when the baby comes! -- I am ensconced in the cruel joke of the third trimester, in which you sleep less AND less deeply (and, by the way, have unbeLIEVably weird and disturbing dreams) and in which your body is already screaming with fatigue, so this is very much on my mind and I want to BANK SLEEP to establish some kind of RESERVE, but I can't, and I know it doesn't work that way, anyway, so I am left to stew about it and write this little cry for help.

Comments

[Dave]

Oy. I can't lie, it sucks. But you will get through it.

My advice is twofold. First, be prepared. Know that your mind will be tapioca pudding at 3:45 AM. There are only four things that are likely to cause the baby to cry. Write them down, because on three weeks of no sleep, you won't be able to remember them all. Hungry? Needs to burp? Wet diaper? Tired? That's it. Crib notes, if you will.

Second, walk away if you need to. The baby can cry unattended for a few minutes while you calm yourself down.

Best,
Dave

[beyond]

yes. unless you have one of those rare babies you actually have to wake up for feedings, you will not sleep. it's normal, right? someone close to me had a baby a month ago. she said that until you go through life with a newborn you don't know what TIRED is. she has the most supportive husband who has been there 24/7 since the arrival, and an amazing doula but there are tears and meltdowns nonetheless. but you know what? she wouldn't have it any other way. and neither will you.

[Carla Hinkle]

The babies are all so different, you are right that you can't really know exactly what yours will be like before it arrives, so you don't know what species of sleep deprivation you'll be experiencing. 2 of my 3 never napped during the day unless you held them for a solid 3-4 months, but slept pretty well at night very early on -- woke up briefly to eat, then right bsck to bed. The middle child slept 10 hours a night at 2 months, then it all fell apart and we struggled with sleep until she was a year. So different, neither optimal, but for me after a while just knowing what to expect (even if it was crappy) helped me cope.

And to be honest, I was a 8-9 hour a night girl, too, before I had kids. After a very brief period of adjustment, I am now so used to serial night time interruptions I can hardly recognize my old self.

Anyway, yes, it's rough, but to the extent you can avoid worrying about it, try, since who knows how it will actually be?

So exciting that March is getting nearer and nearer!

[Mama Bub]

Yes, it sucks, but you do kind of adjust. You won't realize just how much you've adjusted until your baby starts sleeping through the night and then wakes up for some unknown reason and you can't, for the life of you, figure out what you're supposed to do NOW.

The only tiny bit of advice I have to offer is to go with whatever works. Don't let anyone tell you you're creating a bad habit, unless of course the only way your baby will sleep is with a chain saw running next to them in bed. Shut everyone out who will tell you that you're creating a lifetime habit of needing whatever it is to sleep. I promise you, no one ever went to college needing to be nursed to sleep by their mommy.

[Gillian]

New reader, in week 18 of my second pregnancy, and I dread dread dread re-doing the newborn days. You are absolutely right to fear, my dear, and absolutely right that somehow you'll find a way to, er, sack up and plow through it. Everything you've described happened to me - tears in the kitchen, woe is me the world is a bleak dark place, etc. The bonus of sweet baby time is lovely, but sleep would make it sooo much better. Ah well. Do what you must to survive, and you will. And do not be afraid if those rotten feelings are devouring you to leave the beab to cry for a bit. She'll survive. It's a tough old world, best they learn that early.

*Also, you should note that I have several friends, all of whom I deeply hate with a fierce green eyed jealousy, who had babies that slept 4-5 hours through from DAY ONE. You could be lucky!

[Amy K]

Some newborns actually sleep through the night from pretty early on, so don't give up hope yet. I hope you get a sleeper! And the first sleep you get after having your baby will feel AMAZING. All those aches and pains from pregnancy suddenly melt away like they were never there.

[Marie Green]

I have a couple of thoughts on sleeplessness:

1. I think that the 3rd trimester actually prepares us for the newborn stage- we slowly get used to less sleep and less quality sleep, so it's less of a shock to the system (though it is still a shock). Our bodies are very wise, so this seems like a built-in system for preparing us.

2. I also am pretty much 100% like you describe yourself re: sleep. I like it, I need it, and at least 8 hours pleaseandthankyou. However, with sleepless days, I was amazed at HOW MUCH I could actually still function on such little sleep. With jet lag, you have no time (or reason) to "get used to" the lack of sleep. You experience lack of sleep and then you hit a wall and then you sleep. With a new baby, you just ever-so-slowly get used to it. I swear to GOD! You do! It still really, really sucks, but you *can* still function.

3. The best advice I got was "just survive". Meaning, don't worry about all the other stuff- just keep myself and my infant fed, changed, and fed again. During the worst of it, just survive.

Basically, I found the sleep deprivation to be hard, but not nearly as horrible as I imagined. There were weepy "we're all going to die in the effing pigsty of a house!" type days, but there were lots of days that I was tired but not freaking out... It honestly got to be "just another day being tired". (Now that I'm NOT sleep deprived? If my kid(s) are sick and keep me up at night, I am RUINED.)

[jonniker]

I like what everyone has already said -- especially all THREE of Marie's points, and Mamabub's suggestion to ignore everyone who said you are creating bad habits.

Bull. Shit. First off, as you know, my kid slept ON ME for a few months, then NEXT to me, for several more, then next to me for PART of the night for EVEN more, and now, at 11 months, she's nowhere near me, like, at all, for the entire night and sleeps in her own bed until she gets up for the day. With, I hasten to add, VERY little effort on my part.

I just hate the "bad habit" people, because they lay all this shit on you when you're already in the throes of survival and misery, and it's like, GREAT, THANKS. So, in addition to not sleeping and stressing about a newborn, you're telling me to WORRY ABOUT THE FUTURE, LEST IT ALWAYS BE THIS WAY?

Bullshit, I tell you. Not true.

Marie's right. It will suck in the beginning, but then you'll become so used to it it won't matter, and you'll be some kind of ULTRA BADASS. For real. It will be fine.

[Jen K]

As mentioned above, you DO get used to the lack of sleep...really. Your body gets trained to function on less sleep than is optimal when it needs to. It will feel crappy on some days and less so on others. Just go with it and don't sweat the small stuff-like how your place looks and how stunning dinner is. Just get through each day, love your baby, and in the blink of an eye, the wee one will be off to kindergarten and you will swear he/she was just born a few months ago.

[ar]

I'm not sure where you stand on the whole breast/bottle thing. But it is awful nice when your husband can get up in the middle of the night to give the baby a bottle while you catch up on sleep....

[-R-]

The sleep deprivation I went through is one of the main reasons I'm hesitant to have another kid. I don't say that to scare you, just to be honest. I was affected in part by some post partum depression PLUS some bad side effects from my pain medication, so it may be much better for you.

In good news, I agree with everyone else that you can and will survive and be happy with much less sleep than you now believe possible.

Also, the worst of it was over in 12 weeks. You will get through it!

I liked reading AskMoxie.org for tips on helping the baby to sleep and just to read that other people had gone through all the same things too.

[Blythe]

I feel you on the jetlag - I used to think I was truly going to go insane at 3am two days after an international flight. The good news is that, after having a child, I am now much more tolerant of being awake at 3am. I bought a book light.

Good thoughts and advice above. Having my husband handle one feeding per night saved my life. (I nursed but was religious about pumping every day because I knew that bottle = sleep for me.)

The other good news was that sleep deprivation gave me the magical ability to zonk out in 2.6 seconds no matter what was happening around me, so I napped at the drop of a hat. When a friend asks you what s/he can do to help, ask them to come over and hold the baby for an hour so you can sleep.

AskMoxie was great for me too. I read it when I was at my wits' end and it made me feel less crazy.

This was one of my biggest fears as well, and while it was brutal, we all survived with wonderful memories of my son's babyhood intact.

[Kristin H]

I really and truly think that the last few weeks of pregnancy, with the not sleeping well and the peeing constantly, is harder than when the baby actually arrives. I found myself sleeping more often and more soundly when the baby was on the outside.

Don't let the naysayers get you down! It's probably a pointless worry and it may, in fact, turn out to be better than you thought. :-)

[Katie H.]

I feel so much less crazy now to hear that you are worried about lack of sleep. I’m expecting our first child on 3/26 and currently going on an average of 4 hours of sleep a night due to third trimester discomfort… already crabby and a mess and afraid I’ll be a horrible mom. Thanks to everyone who commented with advice and sharing their experiences. Lawyerish, you have a great system of support through this blog and I’m sure through other family and friends as well. Remember to tap into those resources in the hard times and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. All the best and much happiness to you!

[jive turkey]

Dude, I understand. I was also freaked out about sleep, because I was a 9-hours/night kind of girl. But the combo of adrenalin & new baby love got me through until I just adjusted. I'm not saying I wasn't tired, because I totally was, but it wasn't anywhere near the nightmare I'd been warned about (THANKS, co-workers and your stupid horror stories).

[heidi]

My God, you just brought me back to a couple of weeks before my 2nd was born and the panic attack/meltdown I had because I was so tired and I was never going to sleep again. You have written it perfectly. And btw, I don't remember how but it was okay. And I went on to have 2 more kids.

[Mandee]

I don't have kids, but was very hands on with my nephew during much of his infanthood. I can remember thinking I was going to DIE of exhaustion during his first night of life, but I just kept telling myself to hold on until a decent hour (I was thinking 5:30 would work) so I could call my parents to come take a turn. Then there was the trip from Atlanta to Naples, Florida we made when he was 6 weeks old. My sister and I still laugh about that.

She swears that my willingness to take over all the middle of the night wakings on Friday and Saturday saved her sanity. It gave her a chance to get several hours of uninterrupted sleep (other than the occasional nursing session) which was key. Sort of like Jonniker, my nephew slept on us or by us for at least 6 months and is an excellent sleeper now. Do what you have to do to get by. You're going to be great!

[kathy]

You sort of go into survival mode and you just get throught it. You will have to make decisions about what you can slack on and what you can't in favor of sleeping. I was a 10 hour a day girl, often 12-14 on weekends, and I'm still alive. And its well worth every exhausted minute

[Ris]

You will be FINE. I've never had a kid and I'm not great with sleep deprivation but you know what? You'll survive. It'll get better every day. You're not alone. You can throw some money at the problem and hire help (even if it's just to hold the baby while you exercise and clean and get back to life). You will be just fine.

[Cindy M]

Not only am I tired from just reading that and remembering, but I hope you're not offended to know that I laughed WAY out loud! It sounds just like the thoughts that run through my brain. I can go a while without sleep...much more stalwart than my husband...but the older I get, the harder it is to stay awake during the day! I'm sure your sense of humor will get you through. Can't wait to see your little one in your arms!

[Lynnette]

You know, sometimes you get a baby that sleeps, but YOU CAN'T. For my girlie, she would be next to impossible to wake as a newborn, but we had to every three hours for a month because of a possible metabolic disorder it took forever to test for. Fortunately, she doesn't have it. Once we were sure of that, she had a stretch of sleep for 6-7 hours, then a few more hours after eating. This lasted until 4 months. Then, the sleep regression started. She's 5 1/2 months now, and waking up every couple hours, cutting vampire fangs, and making me perpetually stupid. BUT! (I realize I'm being kind of a bummer,) she did sleep when my body and mind were wrecked post-partum, which allowed for faster healing. In the meantime, I am not hopeless because I know that sleep is possible. I'd much rather the sleeplessness happen now than the newborn days. Maybe the same would happen for you. Maybe you'll get even luckier and your bunny will take naps. Anyway, I do remember sleeping more soundly after the birth, most likely because I didn't have to pee every hour. That was nice.

[Lawyerish]

You guys, these comments are helping SO MUCH.

Every one of you is awesome.

[Leah]

You're going to be fine. (1) Some babies sleep 5-6 hours from the get-go. Really. (2) You have JOE. Joe will be your biggest ally. (3) If you're nursing, learn to nurse lying in bed. It saved my life. (4) You might never get used to sleep deprivation (I'm worse about it now than I have ever been), but sometimes it's just one of those things you have to take one day at a time.

[Laurie]

You will survive. I won't say "be fine" like so many. I too need tons of sleep. I have three kiddos and NEVER found their infancy stages easy, because I never got enough sleep and I was cranky and emotional. Chocolate and coffee helped mildly (and I was so tired no stimulants kept me awake when I hit the pillow, lol). Side lying nursing helped and a spouse who lets you sleep in or nap at least once a week - good luck!

[Allison]

I can only echo what most have already said. You will survive. I definitely agree with the comment about the 3rd trimester prepping you for a newborn, etc.

Everyone's experiences are different. I survived (still surviving and they are 2 years old now) twins. It was crazy for a while...I am laughing about it now, as I think back. You will laugh too!

[Ale]

Yes, it's tough. Very tough. When my baby was about one month old I decided that I was going to bed at 8:30 at the same time he was falling asleep. My husband would feed him around 12:00 (I was not nursing anymore). And then I would feed him again around 3:45/4:00 am and then again at 7:00 am. This way, I was able to sleep from around 9 to 3:45 and then another few hours before 7:00 am. I was still very tired but it was more or less OK. Until one day when my baby was around 4 months, I exploded, I just broke down and cried, and cried because I was just so tired... My husband put me to bed and took away the monitor. And continue doing that until now. He keeps the monitor when he stays up later than me and I sleep more at ease. My baby is 13 months old and he's been sleeping through the night since he was 5 months. But it is just amazing how those first four, five months can be very tough. And the funny thing is that I will do it again any day...

[Shana]

1) It will suck sometimes.
2) You can do it.
2b) You have no choice at this point. :)
3) You REALLY CAN do it.
4) You never know -- you might get a champion sleeper, and other moms will be jealous of you and you SLEEPING OFFSPRING OMG.

[Lawmommy]

I'm not going to lie to you - it sucks. It sucks mightily.

I am 100% convinced that the sleep deprivation made my postpartum anxiety 1000 times worse. If you start to believe things that your rationale mind KNOWS are insane (for me it was, "if I sleep when the baby sleeps, the baby won't breathe" - yeah, hello, crazy town - get thee to a doctor.

Everything else is secondary to sleep - let everything else go, eat take out, etc - sleep whenever and wherever you can.

It DOES get better.

[Kimberly]

I found that letting the baby lead in terms of when she wanted to sleep was the most helpful for long term good sleep. Was it annoying that her sleep schedule was "upside down" for several weeks? Sure. But, and this is important - she is a GOOD sleeper. And I think it is because I let her set her schedule in the beginning. There is plenty of time when she is older to ease her into a schedule that may be necessary for day care/school.