Whine and Roses

It's happened again.  I have been sucked into The Bachelor once more.  Not that this is surprising to anyone, but before this season started I wasn't sure I could stomach the whole "On the Wings of Love" schtick.  Turns out, I can.  Oh, I always can, who are we kidding?  And it's just as appalling as ever.

Our bachelor this time around has the personality of a sofa cushion.  He seems like a reasonably sincere guy, but I have the distinct sense that he lacks any sense of irony or perhaps any sense of humor at all.  On the other hand, to the show's credit, they have been airing slightly more substantive conversations between him and the bachelorettes, whereas usually you have to suffer through episode after episode of mind-numbing Q&A about the "connection" between each potential couple -- do you feel a connection?  I feel a connection; I also feel a connection with eight other women!; indeed, I am troubled by your connection with eight other women, and on and ON until you want to shoot yourself in the face. 

This time, the conversations are not exactly ground-breaking, but there have been discussions of values and expectations for marriage and lessons learned from past relationships.  In the case of Tenley, a wholesome and earnest young lady who seems to me to be the best match for Jake -- they're equally sweet and bland and almost look alike, in a way -- she takes the past relationship thing to another level, as she is recently divorced and is clearly not over it.  On the hometown date, she must have said "my ex-husband" about 30,000 times, which I am sure is a huge turn-on for Jake.  Also, there was an unbearably painful scene where she danced for him -- he was sitting on a stool in the corner of a dance studio and she was flinging herself around in a tank top and a poufy little skirt, and HELLO, AWKWARD.  You could tell he was just kind of ENDURING it.  Painful.

The hometown dates are always the most difficult to watch, with all these lovely parents and families getting dragged into something so sordid.  And most of them are so NICE and you can tell they've opened themselves up to this random dude who went on a TV show to find his wife (yeah, right) and all they want is for their daughters to be HAPPY.  I mean, Tenley's dad broke down into SOBS at one point about how hard it was to see her go through her divorce, and you just wanted to stab the makers of this gross show because, come on, the likelihood is that his daughter is about to have her heart broken AGAIN, and millions of people will have seen him tearfully give his BLESSING to the freaking Bachelor (just a day or so after ANOTHER girl's parents had given him their blessing for him to propose to THEIR daughter) and oh, are we to be spared NOTHING in this sick farce? 

And then there is Vienna, the horse-faced chick with terrible bleached-blonde extensions and the kind of simpering, spoiled, brainless personality that makes you want to punch yourself in the neck repeatedly.  While Jake is no sparkling wit, he seems so wildly different from her that I can't even begin to imagine what these two have in common or what he finds intriguing about her. 

For me, it became difficult to take Jake seriously (and we're starting with a pretty low bar, here) when he let Elizabeth, the smokin' hot nanny, go a few episodes in.  Sure, she did this weird thing where she announced to him that he wouldn't let him kiss her but then constantly asked him whether he WANTED to kiss her; but STILL, she was infinitely preferable to Vienna (or Gia, the bland swimsuit model, for that matter) and really just extremely attractive.  (I think every new dad in America is hoping that somehow they can convince their wife to hire her as the family nanny.) 

And now that Ali, who seemed like a smart, real, down-to-earth girl (with way more personality than Jake), is gone, I'm left with the sense that he has virtually no chemistry with any of the remaining women.  But I am sure the producers are going to herd him through the usual charade of a fake proposal, even though by now, a few months on, he's probably already broken up with whomever he picked in the end and will soon be dating former Playboy playmates and trying to milk his ephemeral moment in the spotlight.

How do they do it?  How do they suck me in every TIME?  You know, I think it might be Chris Harrison that does it.  He has some kind of Jedi mind control over the viewing audience, or at least over me.  I actually think he's kind of adorable and charming, despite the toolish host role he has to fulfill on the show.  You have to hand it to him for getting through a lot of this stuff with a straight face. 

Comments

[April]

You are hilarious. You just took about every thought about the Bachelor I've had and put it into WAY better words. Every time I'm like "Will..... not.... watch... Oh... ok, fine. Which skank is it this time?"

You're probably right, it must be Chris Harrison's mind control. He is kind of awesome.

[Laurie]

Jake scored some points for me though when he refused to indulge Vienna in her pity-party, crying about all the girls hating her. Loved when he said she brings it on herself. That said, I don't even understand how that chick made it on the show in the first place. She is the very essence of Fug. The only explanation is that Chris Harrison's Jedi mind control must have some sway over the casting directors who casted her as well as Jake for keeping her around.

[beyond]

i have never seen the bachelor. it can't be as fun as reading your bachelor posts anyway... ; )

[Christine]

You crack me up. And yes! exactly what beyond said...

[Ris]

I'd pretty much rather read your wrap-up than watch the bachelor any day.

[Mama Bub]

He's probably my least favorite bachelor so far, and that's saying something. Although I did read an interview with Chris Harrison that Ali isn't gone for good, I'm sure there's no real hope in that. The spoilers I'm hearing about who he picks in the end make me ill.

[H]

My thoughts exactly! I'd also add that I am SO OVER the "surprising return" of a former cast member. First, it was the stalker women who came to offer themselves to the bachelor even though he sent them home. Last season, Jake came back to warn Jillian, Ed came back after he left for his job and Reid came back to propose. (Why didn't Ed and Ali ask about job security before they agreed to be on the show??) If Ali comes back, I may throw my TV out the window into the 20 foot snow drift out there. You're right, though, I'm sure I'll get sucked into the next season too!

[Alyce]

H, don't do it! I've heard that she is, in fact, going to come back.

I've also read who he ends up with (briefly, one assumes) and it came as a surprise to me.

Also, I have never seen an episode. I do read the blogs of a few people who recap it so delightfully, though, that I feel like I'm not missing much.

[I am not one of these people who is aboooove reality TV, this one just conflicts with some other shows and I never got in to it.]

[Amanda Brown]

LOVE your descriptions of the ladies! This is my first time actually watching the show and my husband and I both unabashedly hooked. It's awful. But wonderful.
PS: I've been reading you for a while (via Jonniker) but have never commented before. Sorry for being such a long-term lurker. And congratulations on your beautiful pregnancy!