I was walking on my block one rainy evening last week when a young woman approached me and asked me to please stop and help her. Now, I have been in New York long enough that I have been approached like this dozens of times, and most of the time I simply apologize and continue on my way. (Lest I appear totally cold-hearted, I do sometimes give money to panhandlers and I have given food to homeless people on the street or subway. Most of the time, though, I am not comfortable stopping to chat with someone who is clearly begging for money.) But something about this woman made me stop.
She told me that she'd just been released from inpatient treatment at an eating disorder clinic out of state (which I had heard of) and she was staying with a friend and doing outpatient rehab here. She said she had gotten locked out of her friend's apartment without her wallet or phone with her (this part of the story was a bit disjointed) and she was having a panic attack because she was afraid she had eaten too much (she asked me several times if she looked fat, and I assured her she didn't). She asked me if I would call her friend for her, so I dialed the number she gave me but got someone's voicemail.
Then she asked if I could give her cab fare to get downtown. I tried to think of another option to help her, but my mind was fuzzy (I was kind of in Strange Situation Paralysis; I later realized I could have walked her over to the subway and swiped her fare; but I think she was too panicked to deal with public transportation anyway). So I put her in a cab and gave her $30 (she was going far and it was rush hour). She said she only felt comfortable taking the money if she could reimburse me, so I told her I would text her friend about it. I didn't intend to try to get the money back; I just wanted her to feel okay about taking it.
I later texted the number that she had given me for her friend and explained what happened. I wanted to know if the woman was okay. I never got a response.
I do not care about the money. Clearly, this was someone in need, in one way or another, and while that was more than I would typically give in a spur-of-the-moment crisis, at the time I found that I couldn't say no. And it's not like I was giving her my ATM card and PIN and sending her on her way. On the other hand, I do care about the story and I care on a human level about the person herself and whether she is okay.
On a more self-absorbed note, I have been wondering if there is a lesson hidden in this somewhere. Am I someone who is gullible and easily taken advantage of (or do others perceive me that way)? Or do I appear harmless and therefore approachable (because I really do get approached a lot, even just by tourists asking for directions -- which, I should note, I am always happy to give)? More importantly, do I have good judgment? Did I have "good" instincts about this? How can I know, unless I know the whole story?
I found that as this was unfolding, I was not thinking very clear thoughts. I was on edge because there is always the chance that someone has stopped you because they're going to snatch your iPhone or wallet, but also because I flat-out wasn't sure what I should do. I didn't make any really conscious decisions while it was happening, but in the end I helped because it seemed like it would be wrong not to, in this specific instance. Because unlike seeing a random person going down Broadway asking every passer-by for spare change or hearing the guy tell everyone on the 2/3 train -- as he has for ten years -- that his house just burned down, this felt like I was personally involved. Once I had stopped and heard the story, whether or not it was true, I felt responsible and I couldn't just say, "Oh, sorry. Best of luck," when I was asked to give a dollar amount that was discomfiting but wasn't hugely significant to me.
(Hey, look at that! I just discovered the bystander effect! I am a walking social psychology experiment.)
There's no tidy way to wrap this up; I'm just thinking about it, still. I don't feel badly about it, nor am I patting myself on the back for doing anything particularly good. But ambiguity, moral or otherwise, is not my strong suit. I prefer endings, not ellipses.
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Aaaand, then we got two inches of snow before Halloween. It has been an odd few days, indeed.


























