Friday Baby Dance Party!: Wednesday Edition, and a Question

I know it's two days early, but some things just can't wait:

Even aside from the naked marching in a diaper and a ski hat, my kid has an enviably busy existence, to the point where I'm considering sending her into the office while I spend the day letting her nanny squire me around.  Seriously, look at this -- it's like having Auntie Mame up in here on a daily basis!

They take in high culture:

They run wild in playgrounds:

They meet up with friends ("holding hands and walking together!"):

They get their ya-yas out at the playspace:

They learn about science at the Children's Museum:

They play in the snow (that one was with me, actually, but I didn't want to disturb the theme, and anyway we were only outside for about three minutes before the wind almost blew Felicity away and she said in a wavering voice, "Go back inside?"  Then she told me she wanted to "watch the snow falling outside the window instead."  I was more than happy to oblige; cold and I are not friends.):

And they rest after all that fun.  Whew!

So here is my question, and it's really a curiosity rather than a burning problem: 

I know that kids behave a bit differently for different people -- for example, Felicity will eat ANYTHING that her sitter puts in front of her, pretty much, but then she'll refuse the VERY SAME FOOD when I present it to her.  She takes longer naps when J is here (I get the shortest nap days when I'm home with her on Friday -- UNFAIR).  I understand that other children are this way at daycare versus home; they are napping and eating angels during the week, and then on the weekend with their beleaguered rents, they're picky eaters and non-nappers.  I have heard this is because kids test boundaries in different ways for each caregiver/parent, the crafty little buggers.

But what I am curious about is why many toddlers seem to save their biggest meltdowns for Ye Olde Mama?  (I...hope that's not just me.) 

Mind you, Felicity is not into full-on two-year old tantrum mode yet, and the vast majority of the time she's sweet and happy and mellow and all that.  And she does get upset from time to time when she's with Joe or J and I'm not around.  It's not EXCLUSIVE to me.  Yet there have been many days when she'll be in a mighty fine mood, playing delightfully with someone else, and I'll enter the room and suddenly there is Big Drama about some minor thing.  What IS that?  It's especially bad if her nanny and I are both here, as if her mind is blown having the two of us in the house with her.

If I'm thinking in the most flattering terms, I like to tell myself that Felicity loses it around me more because she feels the most emotionally secure with me and knows she can let go however she needs to, but I suspect I'm kidding myself.  Is it a manipulation thing? She doesn't seem to have a real motive for it; it's not like I give her candy and balloons when she has a meltdown and I give her plenty of positive attention when she's happy.  Perhaps the overwhelming love for their mothers scrambles their little toddler brains and they lose their ability to coherently express themselves for a few minutes?  (Haaaa, that must be it!)  What do you think?

Comments

[terri codlin]

The holding hands and walking together gets me every time I see it. So sweet. And I have no clue on why toddlers do what they do ; It's not the testing limits yet, though that is a recurring theme throughout childhood, and adolescence...and I guess forever ; I want a nanny to show me NYC!

[Emily]

I have no insight into the why of that particular, super delightful behavior (though I have heard the emotionally comfortable with mom theory before), but I commiserate. My boys are TERRIBLE about that, and it drives me crazy.

[M&Co.]

I think it's the "Mom is here, I can fall to pieces now" thing. Both my kids did it.

[nonsoccermom]

Not just you, believe me. My daughter acts like a total tyrant around me half the time, then is a perfect little angel for other people. Especially my mother, who consequently does not believe that her granddaughter could be ANYTHING other than a precious sweetheart.

Yeah, right.

[Veronica]

I actually agree with the whole emotionally stable theory. Both of my kids are worse around just me - Amy is an angel at school and then loses it at home.

So, yeah. Not just you.

Also - my kids will eat EVERYTHING if their Daddy cooks, but if I cook the exact same thing? NADA. I've threatened him with having to cook all dinners, forever.

[Marie Green]

You are right in your theory: she's "safest" when with you, so she doesn't have to "hold it together and be good." My girls still do this sometimes, especially after school. Like they've been HOLDING IT IN all day, being SO GOOD for everyone else in the world, that when they get home they let down and sometimes that means losing it a little. My grandma always says "Everyone needs to come home and just kick the dog sometimes." And while she nor we actually WOULD kick an actual animal, I get what she means. In fact, I still do this with friends vs. with David. I can be all La-la-la in a good mood, but then when it's just the two of us again, I'm grumpy to him. People can wear people out, yo!

Also, I think I'm going to hire Felicity to show me around New York. I think she'd be game, don't you?

[Greenstylemom]

I loved it when I could take me kids to all kinds of wonderful places during the day. I enjoy my free time now that they are in school, but I really miss doing activities with them every day.
I've also heard the theory that they feel emotionally safe around mom. And my kids aren't toddlers anymore, but they still lose it with me.

[Elissa]

Agree that it has to do with feeling safer with Mom around, and I think it can be sort of indirectly related to separation anxiety. My theory with my son is that he works hard to keep it together and follow directions at day care all day and so he burns off all the frustration he's been controlling all day once he's home with us (this may be self-delusion, but I'm going to stick with it :) We have also dealt some with the flip side, where he behaves well for us at home but acts like a little monster at day care. For us, we much prefer if he keeps it together with others and blows off steam with us (even though it makes for less pleasant evenings and mornings with us). Hang in there and don't take it personally

[Ris]

"watch the snow falling outside the window instead." HA! Yes, I also prefer to take in the snow behind a pane of glass, preferably with a hot beverage in hand. That Felicity is a smart girl.

[Kristin]

I agree with your theory. They feel emotionally closer to us as parents vs. caregivers. My children are older and they still unload on us! I used to be amazed at how well behaved my kids were outside of the home and I would wonder what I was doing wrong at home. Someone once told me-that outside of the home is where you want them to show off their great behavior. True:)

[jive turkey]

Sadie ALWAYS melts down more around me, and sometimes it's so freakin' noticeable (as soon as I come home/enter a room, and vice versa -- if she's freaking out and I leave? Suddenly she's fine. Ergh).

[-R-]

Yep, Ren does it too. Sometimes it is manipulation, and sometimes it is just melting down.

[jonniker]

I totally agree with your theory. Sam will be FANTASTIC for everyone. I'm not even kidding, school tells me EVERY DAY how delightful she is. How polite! How amazing! How generous! And she's even that way with her FATHER. And then I come into the picture and she turns into a total ass. Like, INSTANTLY.

[Mary]

My son does something similar where he's great for my husband (who watches him full time) and evil with me. I've always attributed it to acting out for more of my attention since I'm gone all day. It seems pretty common among my working friends as well, although none of us are quite sure why.

[G]

I think it's the first thing. Unconditional mama love = I get to fall apart in front of mama! Think of it as a way of letting her relax a little. Those little immature minds have so much sensory overload - I think trying to keep it together all day is actually way exhausting.

:)

[Jessica]

I have the same thing going on... she will be an angel for Daddy and Mommy comes home and she turns up the whine full blast. Grammy was the one that sleep trained her - at 22 months! - not me. And I was told by Grammy that all she had to do was pat her on the back until she fell asleep. Totally unfair. But I get the extra super great cuddles that no one else does. I'll take it.