Lawyerish

Old Skool Bloggin'

I do love a good Internet meme (even though I still don't know how to pronounce "meme" or what it means, precisely, other than "that thing that everyone else is doing"), and since JIve Turkey did it, I must as well as we are twinsies (she's the prettier, funnier, and more talented twin, as if you couldn't tell).  

Age - 36.  Sigh.

Bed size - King, by any means necessary.  Anything smaller and one of us is sleeping in the tub.  

Chore you hate - I am incapable of changing our sheets without stubbing my toe, throwing my back out or contemplating killing the cat for jumping into the otherwise-clean bedding.  And changing a crib sheet is more of a workout than the 30-Day Shred.  I LOATHE changing bedclothes, in other words.

Dogs - Just the one, and he is hanging by a thread.  Not a DAY goes by without one of us having to clean up something he has vomited or defecated on multiple surfaces of our apartment, and I am pretty much OVER IT.  Look, we love Miles and will continue to give him a good life with plenty of affection, but DAMN having a dog is a massive pain in the butt.  

Essential to start your day - About 15 minutes of silence while I ease into being awake by looking at my phone (email, Twitter, Google Reader).  I am not a morning person, nor am I a coffee person, so I need a gentle buffer between getting up and being plunged into the morning rush.

Favorite color - Really?  What am I, six?  (Fine.  It's blue.  I would love to have a home in which every room is a different shade of blue -- as it is, Felicity's room, our kitchen, and our bathrooms have blue-based color schemes -- in different hues -- so I suppose I'm getting close).  

Gold or Silver - Did this make anyone else think of that song from Girl Scouts ("make new friends, but keep the old/one is silver and the other gold")?  It always comes back to Girl Scouts, Space Camp, Annie or Little House for me.  Anyway, I prefer silver/platinum.

Height - 5'11".  I enjoy being tall.  The subway air is much easier to breathe when you're up in the stratosphere.

Instruments you play - None, but in my day (that is, junior high and two years of high school) I played the clarinet to some critical acclaim.  Nothing says "cool" like symphonic band!

Job title - Attorney at Law, bishes!  And mother/wife/cook/social planner/playdate arranger/friend/gift buyer/birthday rememberer/vacation researcher/diaper purchaser/AND SO ON.  I guess I have to do EVERYTHING around here.

Kids - Have you not been paying attention?

Live - In the wild, smelly, harried, jostly, competitive, expensive, over-stimulating urban jungle of New York.  Wouldn't trade it for the world.  Most days, anyway.  Well, maybe for some money, a big cheap rambling house and an easier way of living....NAH.

Mother's Name  - Uh.  MOM.  Obviously.  

Nicknames - My mom had many nicknames for me growing up, and I am willing to disclose one: Missy Lee.  My dad has always called me Miss, and it's one of those things that can never change.

Overnight hospital stays - Two GLORIOUS nights in a private room with Joe and just-born Felicity and some of the best food I've ever had in my life.  And then a few days later, I had a less-glorious one night stay in a residents' call room while Felicity lay in a NICU isolette getting phototherapy for jaundice.  The staff phoned and woke me up every three hours so I could nurse her, plus there was an unplugged mini-fridge with many forgotten lunches and Chinese leftovers in the call room that made it smell somewhat rancid, but I really SLEPT on that sad little cot since I didn't have to keep one ear open for Baby Sounds as I did at home.  Ah, the newborn days.  How I don't miss them one tiny bit.  

Pet peeves - I think most things that irk me can be summed up as displays of self-importance.  When someone cuts a line, refuses to follow clearly articulated or generally accepted rules, shoves a pregnant woman out of their way to get a seat on the subway (it happened to me MULTIPLE TIMES), yammers loudly on their cell phone, demands some form of special treatment at a restaurant, or generally swans around like we're all just guests in their world, it makes me SEETHE with disgust.

Quote from a movie - It's tough to narrow down, as different quotes suit different situations, but among the top ten would be, "You are bastard people!  I hate you and your ass face!" from Waiting for Guffman and OF COURSE, "I'm the best goddamn dancer at the American Ballet Academy!  Who the hell are you?  NOBODY." from Center Stage.  (IT NEVER GETS OLD.)

Right or left handed - Right.  My left hand is pretty much useless.

Siblings - One excellent big brother who lives too far away.

Underwear - Yes.

Vegetables you hate - Fennel.  Too licorice-y.  Endive - too bitter.  Eggplant, UGH, the texture.  Radicchio and any other sharp-tasting greens.  Okra, HURL.  Collard greens.  

What makes you run late - Some problem with the subway.  I HATE being late, so even that only rarely happens because I have become an expert at building in extra time, but sometimes the MTA still foils my best-laid plans.

X-rays you've had - One time when I was 11 or 12, my brother slammed my hand in the car door, so I went to the ER.  The tech had me lie down on the table and was about to x-ray my HEAD and I was all, "Um...it's my hand?  That got shut in the car door?" and he was like, "I have to go check with the doctor."  As if I wouldn't know.  (Nothing was broken.)  I also had x-rays for a back injury when I was in college (it was a muscle thing).  I think maybe I had them for a foot injury, too, that turned out to be nothing.  So basically I glow in the dark for nothing.

Yummy food that you make - Anything from Pioneer Woman's repertoire.  I also make an awesome spaghetti carbonara, delicious pigs in blankets, and quite wonderful burgers.  

Zoo animal - I like the polar bears, but they make me a little sad in those non-Arctic habitats; monkeys are cool but then they start to weird me out because they're so almost-human; and the penguins are fun to watch but you can't stay in there too long what with the bird-poo stench.  So maybe I'll go with the sea lions!

Six-Word Biography

I'm typing this on my iPhone because some genius at our cable provider did an "upgrade" to the Internet service over the weekend, which has resulted in us having...no Internet service. And no appointment to fix it until Friday. EH.

In this month's O Magazine (no judging!), they have these six-word biographies that people wrote. It's a cool concept, and the results ranged from poignant to funny to intriguing.

Naturally, I had to come up with some six-word bios for myself (so really, autobiographies -- WHATEVER), because I'm a follower like that. Here are a few that immediately sprung to mind (I couldn't decide whether to do past tense, which makes them sound like epitaphs, or present tense, which is kind of stilted, so I varied it):

She came, she overanalyzed, she fretted.

New York suited her ambition/laziness.

Easily annoyed, easily amused, loves cheeseburgers.

Prone to wild hormonal fluctuations, bloating.

She finally learned to just listen.

Peaked at 17, then got tired.

No more trying to be perfect.

Slept well, ate well, read much.

One day she'll write that book.

She saved the best for Felicity.

Still searching for the perfect jeans.

God couldn't be subtle with her.

Hopes to raise the kindest child.

Wants it all, content with some.

Now it's your turn! Give me your six-word bios, y'all (it's fun! I could go ON)!

Performance Review + Goals

I had totally forgotten that I actually did make New Year's resolutions in 2011.  Let's see how those panned out:

1.  I will endeavor to be more kind. Did I do that last year?  I'm going to say YES.  It wasn't a sea change or anything, because I am not a total jerk to begin with; but I tried to give more compliments, to listen more attentively, to make small talk in hallways and elevators instead of being buried in my iPhone, and to be more thoughtful about gifts and birthday cards.  Around the house, I made more of an effort to do a tiresome chore when it presented itself (i.e., unload the dishwasher, take out the garbage) rather than engaging in a standoff over it and hoping someone else would cave first.  Plus, during the holidays I made cookies and gave them to neighbors, which I hadn't done before despite living here for five years and always meaning to (it's not a very New York-y thing to do, but we've gotten to know a bunch of lovely people in our building, and they were all happily surprised by the gesture).  Kindness is fun!  Let's do more this year, too!

2.  Be a better friend.  Again, I think I was better about this and tried harder, so I'll give myself another yes.  Granted, I had more time on my hands during the latter part of 2011, and it will be harder with a much busier work schedule as the year ramps up -- but still!  When I had a free afternoon, instead of milling about on the Internet, I went out to have lunch with a friend, and I made more spontaneous playdates and that sort of thing.  Again, it wasn't a huge change, but it was enough to make me feel happier and more fulfilled.  And it didn't feel like I was trying to do something; I was simply doing things that are fun and enjoyable to begin with.  I like people!  I like friends!  This isn't hard.

On the flip side, I have been much less of a good friend to my email buddies, because I've been away from the computer more.  So that is a bummer, and one I resolve to change.  Dammit, life!  Can't you be EASIER?

3.  React to things more positively. Well. I wouldn't call this a massive fail, but it wasn't a raging success, either.  I still have a kneejerk reaction to people moseying in slo-mo on the sidewalk or jostling me on the subway.  On the other hand, I can remember specific instances when I caught myself thinking ill of someone for being annoying and redirected my mind to something more positive or reminded myself that they could be having a bad day. 

I've also found it helpful, when the urge hits to roll my eyes at hordes of tourists being all clueless and touristy, to think of how *I* must look/act when I'm in a foreign country or different city -- I stop in the middle of a busy thoroughfare to look at a map or saunter aimlessly while taking in a beautiful view or take forever to buy a ticket for public transportation.  Everyone's just doing the best they can, and I've tried to remember to give people the benefit of the doubt, or just a damn break already.  Overall, I'd give myself a passing grade on this one.

4.  Be open to possibilities, instead of thinking them to death.  YES YES YES!  I did this one in a pretty big way in 2011.  I worked a lot on doing what needs to be done to create opportunities for myself, then letting God (or the Universe or life, whatever you prefer) do the rest.  I mean, I don't think you can sit back and wish something into being; God helps those who help themselves and all that -- but the key is, the timing has to be right.  So while I might have felt like I was doing my part for YEARS to make something happen, I couldn't force it or get all bent out of shape when what I THOUGHT was the right thing turned out not to be.  When the time is right for something to happen, things DO come together and it HAPPENS. 

You hear all the time from Oprah, et al., about doors opening and forces conspiring to foment change when something is meant to be, but I had become frustrated about why that wasn't happening for MEEEEEE.  And yet, it HAS happened for me, so many times in my life (witness the whole failed adoption, without which Felicity might not be here, and brrrrrrrrrring, HELLO!, and that is merely one example), and I am FINALLY figuring out how to get through what would otherwise be frustrating or disappointing times by recognizing them for what they are -- part of the whole path that will eventually lead me SOMEwhere, even if it's somewhere totally different from where I think I SHOULD be going.

(I know a lot of people don't believe in this spiritual/religious woo-woo stuff, or it may not work for them/you, and that is 100% cool with me.  I'm not trying to persuade anyone to think this way, I'm simply saying this was what I experienced and what I personally choose to believe. It has really helped me to give myself over to faith instead of trying to control the world with my fretful mind.)

5.  Ask for help and offer help more frequently.  I don't know if I offered help much more, but I certainly asked for and accepted it a LOT this year.  So on that side, WIN.  I did more asking for help than I would have thought I was capable of, and I did it confidently and without shame.  And PEOPLE DO WANT AND LIKE TO HELP.  Whatever the issue is, however seemingly minor or overwhelmingly major, people are out there who have answers, connections, advice, ideas.  Find them. 

So what will I do with myself in 2012?  Kind of lame stuff, but stuff I want to focus on nonetheless:

1.  Set a regular schedule for exercise, and stick to it.  I need to set an alarm, get up, and run or work out four times a week.  I've been too loosey-goosey about fitness because the scale hasn't changed, but it's time to get into a real routine and get it done.  I will feel so much better mentally and physically when I do. 

2.  Stop multitasking.  I have become very scatterbrained, especially about mundane things like what we need from the store, and I think it is largely because I multitask too much.  I check Facebook while I'm making my shopping list; I scroll through Twitter when I should be engaged with Felicity -- you get the idea.  I need to confine my screen time to specific breaks in my day and in the evening (Internet + TV is ok, although if I'm watching something I really like, I should WATCH it and not give half my attention to something else). 

3.  Find a better breakfast.  I feel like most days, it takes me twelve attempts at breakfast before I finally stop being hungry.  I tend to grab a cereal bar or slap some peanut butter on an English muffin, and ten minutes later I am scrounging around for something else, and this repeats all morning.  I have convinced myself that I'm too busy for a reasonable breakfast, but does it really take any longer to eat a Greek yogurt or throw a pouch of instant oatmeal in my bag before I dash out the door?  No, it does not. 

4. Find a better hair/makeup routine.   I would like to look a little better than I do.  Vain and superficial?  Perhaps.  But I am starting to feel like I look older than I should (I am CRAGGY, y'all -- for real; my face is a dried-up HUSK), and it's not a good feeling.  A little more effort would probably go a long way -- maybe it's buying a flatiron so my hair looks less disastrous; maybe it's a product to make my (very small amount of) makeup stay on all day so I don't look like a corpse by 1pm.  Maybe I also need a boost to my (very cheap, very lazy) skin care system.  Whatever it is, I need to do it (and maybe find someone to HELP me figure it all out), so I don't feel so deflated when I look in the mirror.

5.  Make a little more effort in terms of clothes/appearance.  Pretty much the same thing.  Shopping the J Crew final sale isn't always enough.  Change it up.  GO TO A STORE.  Try things on.  Wear more skirts and dresses.  Wear fewer ill-fitting pants.  I always feel better when I am wearing something cute that fits well (though, truth be told, I always feel BEST when I get home and put my sweatpants on). 

I think these are manageable goals.  And I'm going to drink more water.  Never hurts. 

I'm Okay, You're Okay

I feel like we've talked a great deal around here about being recovering overachievers.  So many of us have been high achievers for much of our lives, and as we've discussed on various occasions, as adults we can find ourselves adrift without the validation of grades or other tangible, immediate metrics of success.  And with our busy, over-scheduled lives, in some areas we have to settle for being GE: Good Enough.  GE is a good place to be, actually; when you come to accept those areas in which you're not even going to try to be perfect or to lead the world, it saves you so much fretting, not to mention so much work. 

Here are five of the (many) things I do that are rated GE:

1. Housekeeping.  We have a neat home and it is not squalorous or anything (we do love to vacuum a great deal), but it's not going to win any white glove awards any time soon.  We have a cleaning service come every other week, but between those sessions I only do the things that MUST be done -- loading and emptying the dishwasher, pulling the covers up on the bed, wiping up the kitchen when I'm cooking, sweeping the food out from under Felicity's chair, occasionally running a wipe over the bathroom vanity, taking out the garbage EVERY. DAY (we produce SO much damn trash and recycling for a small family, JEEZ).  Everything else (scrubbing, dusting, mopping, laundry) is left for the cleaners.  I like to think I'm just getting my money's worth, but really it is something I choose not to think about in favor of other stuff. 

2. Cooking and meal-planning.  Thank God I married a man who is (a) not a picky eater; (b) highly appreciative of what I cook; and (c) willing to eat the same meals OVER AND OVER again.  I have a bunch of weeknight stand-bys for dinner (many of which rely heavily on the slow cooker) and I pack almost the same lunches every day, so while we eat a balanced diet and I make an effort to be healthy about food choices, I cannot be bothered to whip up a gourmet something-or-other after a day of work or to try out new recipes for fun! lunch! ideas! or family-style dinners or whatever.  I am TIRED and HUNGRY, and I am JUST FINE with having pulled pork and broccoli AGAIN.  On the weekends, I try to cook at least one new thing, but even that is almost always something quite simple. 

3. Healthy eating.  Relatedly, I am never going to be a person who eliminates specific ingredients or whole categories of food from my diet.  I completely get that some people find that that works for them, and that's terrific.  I have become more aware as I've gotten older how certain things, like caffeine and sugar, affect how my body feels or what my mood is like, so while I might not scarf down a cupcake the size of my head every day, I do adhere to the "everything in moderation" approach -- I derive pleasure from eating a wide variety of things, and I don't feel guilty about eating or drinking anything.  I know food and diet can be a Loaded Topic, and that moderation/omnivorousness doesn't work for everyone.  But for me, it is GE. 

4. Clothing/make-up/hair.  I am not a fashion plate.  We know this.  I do care about how I look to a normal degree, and I do like how a nice outfit or a new shade of lipstick gives me a little boost.  But I am a function over form person in this regard, and I have no driving ambition to be otherwise. 

5. Running.  Sometimes I run long distances because I find it enjoyable to do that every now and then, but I don't care about my time and I have never felt compelled to try to be faster.  Maybe one day I will be struck with a sudden urge to do speedwork and to try to PR in some big race; but until then, I am very content just loping along, getting out there a few times a week for a few miles at a time. 

As a bonus, #6 for me would be eco-consciousness.  We recycle.  We buy Seventh Generation and Method products.  We use a "green" dry cleaner (whatever that means) and a "green" cleaning service.  I use vinegar and baking soda to clear out a tub clog, instead of Drano.  We don't own a car and I take public transportation every day.  I use a Camelbak instead of buying bottled water.  AND SO ON.  But I also use disposable diapers and paper towels and we still have a lot of incandescent light bulbs and at work I grab a plastic spoon for my yogurt.  GE.

What about you?  In what areas are you fine with being Good Enough?

Buggin'

The other morning, I had just woken up and staggered to the bathroom when I saw something dark and unsavory scuttling into the corner. 

It was a very large roach. 

I was still feeling dull from having just gotten up (I believe we have established that I am Not a Morning Person, and I prefer not to have any conversation until I've been up for at least half an hour; this is problematic because I am married to a Morning Talker, who likes to dive RIGHT into the day and chat immediately upon waking), so it took me a moment to figure out what to use to kill the roach.  It was sort of like that scene in Pulp Fiction when Bruce Willis goes through the hammer, the baseball bat, the chainsaw, and finally the samurai sword, before heading into the dungeon to kill Zed and his...colleague. 

Finally, not wanting to defile any of our shampoo bottles with roach remains, I settled on a section of the newspaper.  I folded it up -- and somehow, the roach had remained motionless this whole time -- and went about bludgeoning the disgusting interloper with the New York Times Real Estate pages.  Naturally, I screamed with each hit, because the thing started to run around and I was grossed out, and screaming is just what you DO when you are in charge of killing a gross insect.  Then I left the paper on top of the corpse, because I can be the bug-killer if necessary, but unless I absolutely HAVE to, I cannot be the dead-bug-picker-upper.  In my household, that is the man's job, and since Joe was then back from walking the dog, he came and disposed of everything for me. 

I want to note here that we don't get roaches all that often, but on occasion during the fall they crawl up THROUGH OUR SHOWER DRAIN and present themselves in our bathroom, where they are decidedly unwelcome.  I guess technically they are some sort of water bug; I really cannot research anything insect-related for fear of the Google images I might come upon (I did a search for house centipedes once, years ago, after coming upon one in our bathroom, and I will not be doing that again ever ever ever).  Fortunately, unlike the HUGE-ASS Southern cockroaches I grew up with, the New York water bug things cannot fly and are fairly torpid.

Writing about this reminded me that sometime in about sixth grade, my brother had to do a bug collection for his science class.  As in, he had to go out and find bugs, kill them in a non-smushed way, pin them to a display board, and label them appropriately.  I remember him and my mom going out in the yard and in the woods behind our house with jars to catch bugs every evening for what seemed like WEEKS, and he had to have some ABSURD number of different types of bugs, and the whole thing is just making my brain scream, NO NO NO!  Why would a teacher inflict that sort of agony on kids and their parents?  WHYYYYYY?

I am never going to be able to be the parent that is all, "Oh, bugs are so COOL!  Look how NEAT that beetle is that's climbing up your arm!  Isn't nature WONDERFUL?!"  I like my nature to be contained.  Preferably behind glass in a museum, if at all possible.  And even then, half the time, I am all, "GROSS.  What IS that thing?"  So.  Someone else can nurture Felicity's interest in entomology, should she happen to develop one.

(And yet, strangely, I had no problem dissecting stuff in biology and physiology classes in high school.  I actually really enjoyed that -- except when we dissected a fish, because fish are generally gross and the smell almost killed me AND the one I got had a GIANT egg sac in it, which was SICK.  We dissected frogs and CATS, even, and that did not bother me.  But anything insect-related makes me feel creepy and crawly for DAYS.)

Hidden Talents

I think a lot of people (especially women) have trouble touting their own skills and abilities; many of us are quick to downplay our achievements or brush off compliments because we've been conditioned to be modest or we feel unworthy of praise or we've absorbed some other crappy message that tells us not to appear overly confident or boastful.  Well, those messages are a load of horseshit. 

I don't think we should all walk around acting like the sun rises and sets solely for us or treating others like our minions all the livelong day; but I DO think we should each recognize the unique things that we bring to the table.  Regardless of what you do with your life, you have a lot to contribute -- to others, to your family, to the common good, to whomever and whatever you damn well please. 

Here are five things I know that I am good at (and then I want to hear about YOUR talents, whichever ones just pop into your mind when you think about it):

1.  Writing.  I can put words into sentences, and sentences into paragraphs, to convey ideas and information.  I'm never going to be the next JK Rowling -- I'm not a big idea-generator -- but in theory I could be a good memoirist or a novelist who heavily borrows from experience.  I am good at organizing thoughts into a logical sequence and using language to make them understandable to others.  I can also use the written word to argue the shit out of something persuade, without being overly argumentative.

2.  Giving advice.  I love to hear about other people's quandaries -- whatever someone's current family/work/friend dilemma is, I want to listen, dissect the issues, learn more about the personalities involved, delve into the emotions, and think about possible solutions.  I think at my core I am a counselor; in whatever setting, I thrive on helping people untangle problems in their own lives or figure out some complicated issue.  To some extent, I get to do this in my professional life, but it's also fun to do in other contexts (someone give me an advice column, STAT!).

3.  Getting to know shy people.  I am sort of smack in the middle between introvert and extrovert; I love spending time with people and can chat until the cows come home, but I also need a fair amount of alone time to recharge.  In social settings, I am a bit shy, especially if it's a large group thing and I don't know anyone.  I am kind of a load at a big event like a wedding, because if I know only one or two people there, I will cling to them like grim death.  But I also have the ability to spot others who are like this -- those who are reserved and who might be passed over as being standoffish, awkward, or hard to get to know.  I can get them talking and make them feel less alone, in part because I know how many times I've felt so glad that someone else did the same with me.

4.  Being organized.  Oh, LAWD, how I love to organize.  I love to organize objects, spaces, ideas, people, closets.  I make lists with sub-lists and pros and cons when I'm facing a decision.  I write everything down.  I have ongoing to-do lists and I get an almost sick satisfaction out of crossing items off as I complete them.  I use a paper calendar because I like to see everything laid out before me, in my own handwriting.  I love to pare down, clean out, purge -- I throw out old crap from my drawers and closets at least two times a year, and every time I manage to find many trash bags' worth of clothes, books, and other detritus around the house that needs to stop taking up space.  My desk is so neat you could serve dinner for four off it without needing to move anything. 

(Maybe what I need to do is to offer to come listen to people's problems while cleaning out their closets and organizing their workspaces!  And then I will write a book about it.)

5.  Keeping a consistent routine.  See, this could be written as "doggedly adhering to a rigid, anal retentive schedule," but I am spinning it as a positive.  I enjoy predictability and comfort; I am soothed by knowing what's going to happen and when.  This has been particularly handy with Felicity -- since she was a few months old, she has thrived on a schedule.  It's not like we have anything tacked to the wall, dictating that she have her breakfast no later than 7:30 or that she nap at 1pm on the dot.  Rather, we have created a certain structure to her day, but within that the exact times differ (within narrowish margins) and of course what she does from day to day varies as well.  She doesn't FLIP OUT when we stray from the routine, but she knows when the required things are supposed to happen, and this has (so far) meant that she happily runs to the tub (yelling "NAKED BABY ON LOOSE!") when it's bath time and goes to bed without a fuss.  And for myself, while I leave room for variation, many of my days proceed along the same general structure (waking time, breakfast, shower, commute, etc) and this works very well for me. 

I could go on -- these were the first five things that popped into my head as I was writing, but I can think of plenty more (sleeping, for one; doing things in moderation for another; also, writing thank you notes, planning trips, doggedly chipping away at formidable tasks, and tuning out annoyances). 

And now I must know:  what are five things you're great at?

Mah Accent, Y'all

The whole accent vlog thing has reached a critical mass and I can no longer resist joining in.  I am not made of stone, after all.  I filmed this with an iPhone propped on top of a box of printer toner, and the angle wasn't quite right so my chin is cut off for much of the action.  Also, it appears that I am just a floating head; but I think there is sufficient photographic evidence elsewhere to prove that I possess a full human body, so I'm just going to let that go. 

From watching this back, I am now painfully aware that I have an alarming amount of wrinkles setting up a colony on my forehead and around my mouth.  I usually think of myself as reasonably dewy-skinned and youthful, but nay.  The evidence is right there for all to see.  I am haggard. 

Nonetheless, I have no shame and I am always preaching about women aging gracefully and all that crap, so here you go.

(It may show up teeny tiny in Reader; but I edited it to post it a normal size so if you click through you can actually see it without a microscope.  Sigh.)

For your reference, here are the commands I was following:

Say these words:
Aunt, route, wash, oil, theatre, iron, salmon, caramel, fire, water, sure, data, ruin, crayon, toilet, New Orleans, pecan, both, again, probably, spitting image, Alabama, lawyer, coupon, mayonnaise, syrup, pajamas, caught

And answer these questions:
What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
What is the bug that curls into a ball when you touch it?
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
What do you call gym shoes?
What do you say to address a group of people?
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
What do you call your grandparents?
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
What is the thing you use to change the TV channel?

One Bad Hair Day After Another

I hate to use this space to gripe about the weather, but the seemingly endless string of humid, muggy and on-and-off rainy days has got to STOP.  This is not fall.  Nor is it summer or even Indian summer.  This is just nature's way of making me and my hair look like a ridiculous, frizzy mess week after week, and it's confounding to try to dress for days that are warm but with cool breezes and always with the possibility of a downpour, and I am DONE with it. 

In happier news, Felicity has started saying "I love you," and as you can imagine it's pretty much the greatest thing ever.  I don't know that she fully comprehends what she's saying, but I am prepared to pretend that she does, because it's that sort of self-delusion that gets us through the day, right? 

Relatedly, this video about killed me on the spot.  It's from the author of The Happiness Project, which I recently reread in hard copy so I could underline and star things to my heart's content ("highlighting" in the Kindle is just not the same).  The tinkly piano is what puts this video over the top in Ugly Cry-Producing Qualities.

"She still holds my hand, but I know that will end soon, too."  YOU GUYSSSSSSSSS.  MAKE IT STOP.

(Video via Leah at Nice Things Now.)

On a completely different subject, I feel compelled to ask whether I am the only person here who sometimes sort of wants to be friends with their doctor?  To give you some context, my doctor (specifically, my Lady Doctor) is young (my age...ish? I am TERRIBLE at judging ages, but I'd say she's between 30 and 42) and very nice, and I enjoy talking to her, even though it's always in the context of, um, Lady Doctor Stuff.  She just seems cool, and I feel like if we met in another context we could hang out.

It's possible that this feeling stems from the fact that she knows a lot about ME, but I know almost nothing about HER, and the imbalance seems almost rude on my part -- like, I should be asking her about herself in order to be polite.  And yet, I know that in fact it would be rude if I DID ask, because it would be inappropriate or at the very least nosy.  Nevertheless, the feeling is THERE. 

I had this same feeling when I used to see a therapist years ago.  There I would be, rambling on and on to her about every detail of MY life, and I felt so WEIRD not turning the conversation around to her, as one does in a conversation.  It was so odd not to do the "I talk, and now I ask you questions and YOU talk" thing (though, if I'm being honest, I can ramble on about myself at GREAT length even with friends, so it shouldn't have seen THAT out of the norm for me, but it did).  Of course, therapists go to great pains NOT to tell you about themselves, but STILL.  I WANTED TO KNOW.  I felt like we were FRIENDS in a somewhat odd way, and I NEEDED TO KNOW MORE.

I guess I am kind of a busybody in general and I like to learn about other people, what they do, what their family is like, and so on, and this feeling bubbles up in all kinds of contexts, including the doctor's office.  And I grew up in a small town, so we DID know a lot about everyone else, including our doctors and ministers and gas station attendants, because you just DID -- you went to church with them or you were friends with their kids or your mom knew them or whatever -- and in the South people gab a lot anyway, so you just got to know people, regardless of how you came into contact.  So perhaps I just have an innate urge to force some small-town folksiness out of this Big Freaking City. 

The funny thing is, in many ways, New York IS like a small town -- when I walk around our neighborhood I bump into friends (to be clear:  I DO have friends; it's not like I NEED to go trolling doctors' offices to make friends), and my neighbors and I talk in the elevator and by the mailboxes of our building -- but it's hard to get past that first level of polite conversation.  There are lots of people I meet casually whom I'd love to get to know better, but I always think, "Oh, they're too busy" or "Oh, they probably have more than enough friends already" or "Oh, I barely see the friends *I* have enough."  So even if the urge is there, I do nothing about it.  (And again, in case you're concerned, I would NOT ask my doctor or therapist for coffee or a drink.  For obvious reasons.  I am not sure any of this is coming out right.  ABORT!  ABORT!)

Well!  Now that I have pretty much sealed my image forever as a creepy, weird loser, I hope we can still be friends.  (Anyone want to grab coffee?)

Stocking Up

So!  Who else among you survived the Great Quake of Twenty-Eleven? 

I was at my desk, minding my own business, when I suddenly felt rather woozy.  I felt the floor sway and thought it was the wind; our building frequently shifts in windy conditions and makes me motion sick.  Aaaand then it started sort of jackhammering and I was practically bounced out of my seat.  A few other people and I went into the hallway and were kind of like, uh...WTF was that?  What do you s'pose we do here? 

Naturally, the possibility that the building had just been shaken by the detonation of a bomb crossed my mind, but no alarms went off so we all kind of joked around and waited to be told what to do.  Then the Fire Command Station guy came over the PA and told us to evacuate via the stairs, so we got our things, updated our Facebook statuses and/or Tweeted about what was going on, and headed down the very warm and very crowded stairwell. 

When we got outside, no one really knew what to do, so a few of us walked a couple of blocks away and got Mister Softee ice cream cones.  (Vanilla with rainbow sprinkles.  There is no other Mister Softee option, as far as I am concerned.)  Earthquakes are rather festive, it turns out! 

When we were given the all-clear, we headed back inside and got back online, we saw that all of California was busy mocking us for our pansy-assness about the earthquake.  Now, let's remember that the East Coast does not GET earthquakes, typically, and when one experiences significant geologic activity for the first time, it can be a little pants-crappingly exciting, OK?  Also, you know what we HAVE had on the East Coast?  TERRORIST ATTACKS.  So anytime anything remotely unusual happens -- like your office building moving as if it's a giant Shake-Weight -- it can be panic-inducing. 

Also panic-inducing?  The prospect of waiting out a freaking HURRICANE for two days with an active toddler who becomes tantrum-prone when cooped up in the house for more than an hour at a time.  Hoo boy. 

My disaster preparedness for this weekend is going to consist primarily of stocking the eff up on Things That Will Occupy My Child for More Than Five Minutes at a Time (also: booze) (for me).  Bottled water and canned goods are nice and all, but will they keep an almost-18-month old QUIET and HAPPY for 48 hours, while our city is lashed with wind and flooded with rain? 

This is when having a Montessori teacher for a mother really comes in handy; my mom has been sending me lists of age-appropriate activities and cheap (or household) supplies therefor for a couple of days now (we're talking simple stuff -- color sorting, water-pouring (over the sink, durr), dried pasta-transferring).  I really should pay her a consulting fee.  I feel that with this information and a quick trip to Michaels' tomorrow, we can soldier on and survive this next natural disaster.  Bring it on, Irene!

Here's hoping the entire Eastern seaboard will not be wiped out in the next few days, and we'll see you next week.  Godspeed!

Assortment/Array/Divertissement

Here are some things that have occupied my (clearly addled) brain lately:

1.  Do you ever mentally invent things that already exist?  The other day I was taking Felicity to the sprinkler park at the Museum of Natural History (where we have gone basically every weekend, all summer -- variety is not our strong suit) and we passed a dog run on the way.  I thought to myself, You know, they should make KID runs, like fenced-in areas where kids can just run around and play!  And then I realized that I had just invented...THE PLAYGROUND.

2.  One thing that drives me INSANE when watching a movie is when they get New York details wrong.  We saw this awful Natalie Portman movie called "The Other Woman" recently, and there was a scene in which she and her stepson were at the Museum of Natural History (all roads lead there, apparently), and she gave him a gift in a bag with the museum logo on it and said, "I got this at the American Museum of Natural History gift shop next door."  NEXT DOOR.  They were standing IN THE MUSEUM.  Granted, they were in the Rose Center part of the museum, but they are IN THE SAME BUILDING. 

I was then side-tracked for the rest of the (seriously awful) movie by questions of whether there might be some legal/licensing issue about the use of the name of the museum of which I am not aware, or perhaps the museum and the planetarium are distinct legal entities (despite being in the SAME BUILDING and having the SAME ENTRANCE procedures), or SOMETHING.  GAH.

Likewise, some other film we watched recently that I cannot now remember (yet another sign of early senility) had the main characters going from SoHo to the New Leaf Cafe in Fort Tryon Park in a matter of minutes -- like, their conversation basically continued without a beat, even though they would have had to get there by some mode of transportation, and unless they teleported there or had jetpacks, it would take, bare minimum, 30 minutes to get there, and even that would only be possible in a cab with zero traffic and a driver breaking every traffic law and speed limit.  Infuriating.

3.  I bought some Aveeno shampoo and conditioner last week, and EVERY TIME I use them, I pick up the wrong bottle the first time.  The conditioner bottle has a colored top and the shampoo bottle has a plain one, and this is the OPPOSITE of how most hair product bottles are coded (right??).  So I keep getting annoyed by this, and I thought about putting LABELS on the tops of the bottles to remind myself which was which.  And THEN I realized that I could just...switch the bottle tops.

4.  Quick, easy delicious side dish:  Preheat oven to 400 degrees.  Put a bunch of baby carrots on a baking sheet.  Pour a couple of glugs of olive oil over, then add curry powder (a few good shakes) and a swirl (just a small one) of honey. Toss it all together with your hands.  Bake for about 30 minutes.  Mmm.  Roasted goodness.  (Also works with sweet potato wedges). 

5.  There was an article in the New York Times magazine this past weekend about decision fatigue, and it rang SO true for me.  I kept going, "Yes.  YES!  OMG, that is ME!" as I read it.  To summarize, researchers have found that people's mental energy gets significantly depleted each time a decision is made, so if one has to make a series of decisions, those made toward the end will be less reasoned and the decider will experience a drop in energy and willpower after the deciding is complete.  This is why, when you buy a car, for example, by the time you get to the zillion options for wheel covers and such, you are just like, "DUDE.  I DO NOT CARE.  WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO CHOOSE." 

This also helps me understand why shopping is so incredibly draining to me, unless I limit myself to a few favorite stores.  Faced with unlimited retail options, I shrink from the pressure and end up making no decisions at all -- i.e., buying nothing.  This is also true, for me, about planning meals -- I tend to make the same things OVER AND OVER during the week in part out of lack of time (and an abundance of laziness) but also because poring through 500 recipes to try to pick something for a Tuesday night dinner makes me want to take a very long nap.  So each week when I go about meal-planning and grocery list-making, I choose ONE magazine issue or ONE cookbook and select the weekend's recipes (the weekend is when I change things up, dinner-wise) out of those. 

Decision fatigue, I believe, is also one of the (MANY) reasons why living in NYC can be incredibly tiring -- on any given day, there are about one billion things to do; even in our neighborhood or just Central Park alone, you can find a hefty schedule of events, especially on the weekends.  And what do I tend to do when faced with all those choices?  The SAME THINGS I do all the time.  (Mind you, part of that is also having a toddler, because most activities are not kid-friendly and I don't want to drag her hither and yon unless it's for something AWESOME -- and the stuff she likes best?  Is just running around open areas like the park.)

When you extrapolate this out to larger decisions with far-reaching implications, like whether to move (and if so, where), it's absolutely paralyzing.  There are so many micro-decisions that make up a macro-decision that it is positively exhausting to even contemplate.  So my tendency is to avoid a huge decision like that at all costs, until I absolutely HAVE to make it, as dictated by timing or some other external circumstance.  Because when I feel as though I am at the helm of a ship that could truly go ANYwhere and do ANYthing, I will do NOTHING instead.  And now I have a good, science-y reason for feeling that way.

6.  My love for these photos knows no bounds: